Even Maya Rudolph Can’t Convince Us Tucker Carlson’s Horniness Canceled the M&M’s

If you’re like me, maybe you spent all of Monday crying while listening to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” because M&M’s released the statement declaring to the world that their spokescandies were no more. Say it ain’t so!

That’s right, they decided to retire their spokescandies because they were too polarizing—divisive on too many issues, including their footwear—and thus decided to pivot towards utilizing Maya Rudolph as their spokesperson. OK, first off, let’s be hyper-specific about to whom the M&Ms were polarizing: Tucker Carlson, because they made him horny, and thus, he made up elaborate backstories for them, specifically the green one. He has a thing for the green M&M and isn’t shy about telling the world.

It’s not just me who thinks Tucker wants to get down with the Green M&M. There are numerous tweets about it:

You can’t make this up, friends. So, it is widely accepted on Twitter, and in some circles, that Tucker Carlson got the M&M spokescandies canceled, and Maya Rudolph hired as the new spokesperson. Look, I love Maya Rudolph, but it was an odd choice to pivot suddenly to her, don’t you think?

Not so fast, though, because this afternoon M&M’s released this promotional video that feels very … gimmicky, doesn’t it?

If you don’t want to watch a corporate Twitter embed video, and I don’t blame you if you don’t, the content of which is summarized as: M&M’s will have their logo removed and replaced with Rudolph’s face, because she’s just so much more universally beloved than those divisive spokescandies. The gimmick radar is pinging more and more by the second.

Consider, also, that we are leading up to the time-honored tradition of a major sporting event that is being held relatively soon, and which most people watch for one of three reasons: 1) the game itself (known for causing head injuries), 2) the concert that is played halfway through the game, or 3) the commercials.

I’m not alone in calling BS on this conveniently timed confluence of events. Slate is also thinking we’re being played by a marketing department:

Consider: Maybe not! A month ago, PR Newswire reported that Mars, Inc. (the company that makes M&M’s) will continue its history of debuting ads around the Super Bowl, with a 30-second M&M ad spot that will be “just one part of an extensive, immersive campaign throughout the month” surrounding the big game. In this post, PR Newswire includes a teaser image for the M&M’s Super Bowl campaign. Looks pretty darn spokescandy to us!

Yeah, this is one hundred percent a huge marketing ploy that just happened to align with Tucker Carlson’s yearly meltdown about the Green M&M, or maybe they baited him into it? We all fell for this corporate trick, didn’t we? This is shades of “we’re killing Mr. Peanut” all over again. The silver lining to all this is that Tucker Carlson will live to be horny (and angry) about the Green M&M again, and we’ll all get to laugh at him, and everyone wins when that happens—except Tucker, but he sucks, so who cares about him?

(featured image: Mars, Inc.)