Comics writer and all-around heroine Gail Simone went to see The Mummy and had a few choice words for the Tom Cruise movie that was dead on arrival.
We’ve been talking about The Mummy ’round these parts, first wrapping up its terrible reviews for your consumption, then enjoying the delightful alterna-Mummy that The Mary Sue’s genius commenters came up with. By all accounts, talking about The Mummy is a lot more fun than experiencing The Mummy.
Needless to say, I did not see The Mummy this weekend, but as Pajiba points out, Gail Simone did, and she did not hold back on her impressions of the film. (It’s worth mentioning that Simone was the longest-running female writer to work on a Wonder Woman comic; Wonder Woman crushed The Mummy at the box office, which feels fitting.)
Simone has many Tweets on the subject, and they’re all so incredible it’s hard to choose which ones to feature. For the full effect, head on over to her Twitter feed.
So, THE MUMMY is like gluing a bunch of smoke alarms to your head while your ugly cousin whacks them with a wooden axe handle.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is that one Night Gallery where a naked Sean Hannity finally comes out the other ear but OH NO he laid wet eggs in your brain.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like your best childhood Saturday morning, except the cartoon is Scrappy Doo and the cereal is Steve Bannon Toast Crunch.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like if you go for your check up and instead of a speculum, your ob/gyn uses a sweaty Keebler elf.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
(This was the point where I starting laughing to the point of tears.)
THE MUMMY is like if you make an elementary school save all their used Band-aids in a jar and at the end of the year, you eat them cold.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
Pennywise the Clown looks at THE MUMMY’s plot and says, “Guys, this is kind of mean to the audience.”
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
THE MUMMY is like dipping you contact lenses in cinnamon Pop Rocks while pantsless on the freeway.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) June 10, 2017
do you have opinions on the mummy
— Skyler W. (@SkyonAir_) June 11, 2017
Thank you, Gail Simone, for your exquisite existence and for sparing us from needing to read any other Mummy reviews. I have to admit that after reading so many scorched earth takes on the film, part of me wanted to witness what all the fuss was about (but a more practical and vocal part of me said that spending money to experience cinematic torture wasn’t the best idea).
So I’ve got to ask—did anyone, in a fit of morbid curiosity and schadenfreude, actually go and see The Mummy this weekend? Tell us everything.
(via Pajiba, image: Universal)
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Published: Jun 12, 2017 11:18 am