Game Of Thrones Recap: The North Remembers

Editors Note: Yesterday we took issue with how the New York Times reviewed the first few episodes of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 2. Primarily the part where they reviewed the viewers of the show instead of the actual show. But I digress, we’re back with our own recaps of the episodes from the lovely Donna Dickens. Hit the jump to read her stream of consciousness while watching the Season 2 premiere, The North Remembers. 

Season 2: Episode One

In Which The North, Like A Vengeful Elephant, Never Forgets And Never Forgives (Spoilers. Spoilers everywhere.)

• Yesssss, Dragonstone in the opening credits. Patchface and Shireen and Edric Storm in our immediate future.
• Is…is the parapets the best place for the knights of Kingʼs Landing to fight? Sure why not. Awwww, Ser Dontos, the drunkest pedophile. He wearing an American flag as armor because wut? Anyone else think of Homer in Hell with donuts when they attempted to drown Dontos? Just me? More! MORE! MOAR!
• You know what, Joffreyʼs actor is amazing. This kid has got subtle malice with a sprinkling of smarm and the twinkle of becoming unhinged in his teenage eye.
• Hound/Sansa OTP. Heʼs all adorable and saving her from her own baby steps in the Game of Thrones after brutally murdering a man for Joffreyʼs birthday entertainment. #crackship
• Myrcella, enjoy your face while you can. Tommen, eat more. Iʼll Hansel you up if I have too.
• Oh God Tyrionʼs face when Sansa denounces her family. That look of “I understand and I will save you.” I hope those crazy kids work it out.
• WINTER IS HERE.
• Cersei and Tyrionʼs familial kiss will go down as the most amazingly polite hate filled gesture in history. “You love your children. That is your only redeeming quality. THAT AND YOUR CHEEKBONES.” Tyrion is the best sassy gay friend. He shouldʼve been born a Tyrell.
• Little Arya outfoxed Cersei. You can see her twitching. Disappointment settles poorly. Cracks in the armor. Let the crazy out Cersei. Let it out.
• STAY A WHILE AND LISTEN. Why is Deckard Cane at Winterfell? Bran looks like how I feel. Annnnnnd he just got schooled by a ten year old. NOBODY PUTS ROBB STARK IN THE CORNER OLD MAN. except Jeyne Westerling because it turns him on.
• Rickon? Rickon where are you? RICKON?! Guys, I think Rickon is dead.
• Whatʼs this? Oh GOD YES WOLF CAM. RED COMET. HEART TREE. I am crying tears of nerd joy right now. ;_;
• Osha Nymphadora Tonks is teaching Bran how to get high. Takes away alllllll your pain and trust me kid youʼll need it. Tonks doesnʼt brook bullshit about dreams or comets.
• Meanwhile in the Land of Arenʼt These People Supposed To Be Non-White? Even in the Westeros version of the Middle East thereʼs only one character of color. WTF casting department?
• Disillusioned Dany is disillusioned and Iʼm actually kind of glad they didnʼt burn off all her hair. Stop weeping over your Stockholm Syndrome horse and eat it already.
• STOP MAKING SENSE JORAH MORMONT. JUST LET ME HATE YOU. Whoa now, is she giving the blood of her blood the sexy eye?
• Crastor, second only to the Freys in unmitigated hatred. Why is he on flat land? Where are the skulls? How can you fend off the White Walkers without sticks and ditches and being ON A HILL? And Crastor…is not as expected. Heʼs um…cleaner? Younger? Less scraggly? Why does he look like close-cropped perverted Santa of the North? Never will I understand why the Old Bear didnʼt just murder him and set up a Matriarchy.
• STOP STARING AT THE TITS AND ASS JON SNOW YOUR JUDGMENTAL EYE-FUCKING IS GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED…is what the Old Bear meant.
• Melisandre. We used to hate you but I think now we just pity you. Poor Cressen, television fans barely knew ye. I wished weʼd gotten to see him with Shireen before they skipped straight to the herp derp murder attempt. Also, youʼd think the old gods would burn a little better.
• Stannis Baratheon, charmer extraordinaire! But his wooden personality is drawing attention away from the fact that Cressen has the stealth poison skills of toddler with carpal tunnel. Seriously, set that to Yakety Sax and boom! comedy gold.
• Jamie Lannister how are you still so sexy even all tied up and in chains and totally helpless and is it hot in here? All my hhhhnnnngggghhhhhsssss.
• YES GREY WIND YOU GIANT SEXY BEAST. What do you know, they finally figured out how to use edits to get more time with wolves.
• Robb Stark, do not tempt fate and Tywin Lannister. He is older and more cunning than you oh God you poor baby let me protect you from your own hormones.
• Do we like Shaeʼs accent? Y/N? Do with like Shae? N/N?
• Cersei and Petyr, trade verbal blows more often because itʼs kind of turning me on. But not in front of Varysʼs little birds. Tact people, use it.
• King Robb is serious, sinister business. But Theon, you mini Machiavellian. You try, you try so hard. Honorable man? How did your lips not catch on fire? And no one listens to Catelyn. Sheʼs like the Cassandra of the North. :*(
• I love Cerseiʼs indulgent “You know nothing” smile during Joffreyʼs rant about the Starks putting too much value on their women and how the throne is his and his complete disregard for politics and hey now, donʼt insult your mother!
• YES. HIT HIM AGAIN. HIT HIM AGAIN. Oh Cersei what have you raised? Look at what youʼve done. Look at it with dawning realization.
• Gratuitous sex allotment filled. Wait a minute. Did they replace Chataya with Ros? This is an outrage! We wonʼt stand for…wait…what is happening? Oh…Oh God what? Not the baby! No. At least the first guard hesitated? Good God, got some King Herod shit going on here. Lannisters are GREAT at making friends! #burningbridgeswithbabies
• The Kingsroad is not nearly as impressive as we were led to believe but finally, FINALLY Arya looks like a boy. The age gap on screen makes Gendry/Arya difficult to ship without squick factor, but I enjoy a challenge.

Donna Dickens is an editor for Buzzfeed and an avid A Song of Ice and Fire fan. She’s trying really hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.