One of the things The Mary Sue is committed to is being a place that’s open to all kinds of female geek voices (even if we maybe don’t agree with every argument that’s offered), just so long as those voices say things that make us think. Because not all women agree on every issue and certainly not all geeks agree on every issue, and so when you put the two together, well, there can be a lot of discussion to be had. So! We’re trying something new with our Game of Thrones recaps, starting this week. We’re well aware that GoT has a rich canon completely independent of the HBO series, and so when Donna Dickens (one of our earliest contributors) kindly offered to be our GoT recapper who can recap from a reader’s perspective, we jumped at the chance to produce twinned Game of Throne recaps every week, from each perspective. You can find Natasha’s recap for this episode here.
Click through for Donna’s Stream of Consciousness recap for Game Of Thrones, Episode 5: In which Ned is naive and Lysa is creepy. Needless to say, spoilers ahead.
• Variant intro is variant. I guess thanks for putting the Eyrie in the opening credits so the oncoming trauma later in this episode is slightly blunted. Wait, arenʼt you supposed to have seven spindly towers? Ah well, itʼs just the clockwork version. Right? RIGHT?
• Oh you sexy Red Keep you. Itʼs nice to see the whole thing at a distance. Never occurred to me that the tournament would be held so far outside the gates. Makes sense though. And a big thanks to whoever told the art department that Kingʼs Landing isnʼt in the freaking Mediterranean. Good riddance palm trees. Maybe Robert lost them in a jousting bet…
• I could have sworn the Silent Sisters wore all grey. But nice to see them and their corpse tending duties included. Ned you need to be sorrier that Hugh died in YOUR tourney. Where is your Old Gods guilt? At least youʼre finally realizing that bad things happen for reason. Yes, where did Hughʼs armor come from? Did Gregor kill him on accident? FAN THEORY! I think it really was an accident; a red herring from Martin. The Mountain is unbalanced enough to kill him just for being an upjumped squire.
• Oh Ser Barristan, your forthcoming badassery is too many seasons away.
• Robert is able to simultaneously be a total dick and completely endearing. But seriously Cersei? Lancel is your choice when Jaime is away? Heʼs even more simpering than in my imagination. Pssst, Robert. Stop being an ass to people that have access to your wine. Wait, actually donʼt. Torturing Lancel is too much fun. Seeing Robert with some depth, trapped in a gilded prison of his own making and acting out like a baited bear is both fascinating and heartbreaking.
•Ser Loras. What can I say. You are fabulous. Nice touch by HBO, having him give Sansa the red rose because Renly was sitting behind her. WAIT! Where the hell is your cloak of REAL woven flowers, Loras Tyrell? Costume department, I am disappoint.
• Just realized why the tournament grounds seem so small. They didnʼt have room (budget? time? enough extras?) for a commons or the melee grounds.
• Stop creeping on Sansa, Littlefinger. Pedofinger. Pretending sheʼs her mom. Oh God,just grossed myself out.
• Sandor Clegane is a BAMF! Weird that we already know how he got his scars but I think it actually gives more poignance to this fight. DIAF Gregor. Still donʼt understand why Robert would just let him go. Isnʼt bashing on the knight that unhorsed you illegal? Punishable? FROWNED ON?
• Am I the only one sensing the vaguely sexual tension between Catelyn and Tyrion? I love how conveniently the hill folk attack as the Imp was poking all kinds of holes in Catʼs paper thin logic. Bet against Jaime? Donʼt be naive, woman. Also, Marillion is already giving me skeeze.
• I seriously laughed at loud at Catelynʼs tiny dagger. Meanwhile, Bronn is also a BAMF. And the Imp with his shield. Go Tyrion, hit that guy. A lot. Okay. Too much. Stop now. Heʼs dead. Really dead. Glad to see HBO is giving equal screen time to boobs and gore. War is messy folks. Catelyn and Tyrionʼs sexual tension is adding all kinds ofnew meaning to post-fight “Iʼm willing if she is.” Be still, my crack-ship heart.
• Five episodes in and Theon Greyjoy finally makes his debut. While Bran gives us a thinly (re: not at all) disguised infodump. Any significance to him playing with whatlooks like a silver Tully fish? Iʼd tell him to stop whining about his mom abandoning him if he wasnʼt right. Donʼt leave Winterfell, guys. Itʼs bad luck.
• Ros, I find an infodump preceded by full frontal nudity goes down easier. HBO seems to have covering a wall of text with T&A down to a science.
• Hey Arya, chase that cat. Wait. Hey cat. CAT! You should be meaner looking. And mangier. And missing an ear. And be the former adorable kitten of dead Princess Rhaenys. Just saying.
• Serious Varys is serious, Ned. You can tell by how the camera zooms in on his face. Knowing Jon Arrynʼs actual fate makes this whole charade of trying to figure out how he died and why makes me feel even more impotent. Stop being dumb guys. Seriously.
• Followed immediately by Varysʼs sudden but inevitable betrayal. But is it? FANTHEORY! Seriously, I have no idea who Varys is working for or what his end game is. Thoughts? Good thing Arya overheard while hiding inside a giant dragon skull and is skinny enough to fit through those bars. But not smart enough to realize it. Sigh.
• New Scene! Varys and Littlefinger are deliciously back-biting. Learning more about the sexual preferences of minor lords than I ever wanted to know. Why Lord Redwyne, why? At least now I feel less bad about your twins being hostages later. Whoever wrote this scene wins the prize. Donʼt lie Varys. You know exactly where your balls are. Intellectual stalemate.
• You know, Kingʼs Landing guards are either blind, dumb or just plain mean. I know the running joke is that Arya gets mistaken for a boy all the time, but just because all the actors are making this assumption doesnʼt mean the audience is stupid. She looks nothing like a boy. Hell, she has the beginnings of BOOBS you guys. Dirty does notequal manly.
• Listen to Arya, Ned. LISTEN TO HER…Oh hai Yoren. Again, Arya has BOOBS you guys. Stop trying to convince me the men of Westeros are stupid.
• Oh Jory, donʼt make promises to Arya that you canʼt keep.
• Everything about the outside of the Eyrie makes my fangirl weep. Where is the Giantʼs Lance, the mountain into which the castle is built? Where is the Alyssaʼs Tears waterfall that never reaches the ground? Where are itʼs seven spindly towers? Where is the snow. For that matter, WHERE IS THE VALE? Nerd rage imminent. Also, why is some random schmuck greeting Catelyn instead of the Blackfish? Brynden Tully wouldnʼt stand for this travesty.
• Naive Ned is naive. Or Iʼm too lawful evil. Donʼt get me wrong, I love Danyʼs story arc but killing her wouldʼve saved an awful lot of headache. Things are bad when Iʼm agreeing with Littlefinger and Pycelle. Bend a little, Ned. Robert ordered Elia and Rhaenys and baby Aegon murdered. This honorable man you followed into war doesnʼt exist. Also, wow HBO way to out Jorah Mormont two books too early. Oh Ned, donʼt quit and leave in a huff!
• MY EYES! Oh God the breastfeeding scene. Why would you not only keep that HBO but move it from the bedroom with only Cat to the throne room IN FRONT OFEVERYONE? Brb, eye bleach forever. The actor playing Sweet Robin is traumatized permanently. Has to be. He doesnʼt seem frail enough for Robin though. Or rheumy enough. Or epileptic enough. He had a whole “I want to see the bad man fly!” fit and didnʼt even start shaking. I like how Catelyn suddenly goes from Tyrionʼs captor to his protector. That side eye they give each other…
• Ah the sky cells. Nice to see they put “Time to fly” written on the walls. More succinct than the message in the book. Sky cell needs more snow. And mountains.
• New Scene! Mmmm, Renly and Loras. Lorenly? Renras? Lorenly. To the people outraged OUTRAGED on Martinʼs behalf that HBO would make them gay…seriously? You people have the worst gaydar ever. Itʼs totally canon. RAINBOW GUARD. Private “prayer” sessions. Loras getting emo all over Tyrion about losing the love of his life. Renlyʼs obsession with fashion. Come on people, pick up on the signs.
• Oh my spoiled Knights of Summer. What are you shaving him with? Foamy mustard?
• New Scene! Oh sweet raptor Jesus, the dynamic between Robert and Cersei. Best new scene yet. Makes me wish Cersei had been a POV character earlier in the series.They are so tragic and broken and full of regret and sadness and Robert is so much cleverer than anyone gives him credit for and Cersei almost seems to respect him onsome level and this scene IS KILLING ME WITH FEELINGS.
• And Littlefinger comes in to dangle the carrot. Itʼs a trap! Donʼt go to the brothel Ned.Go home to Winterfell…sigh. Robertʼs whore is so sweet and naive and woefully doomed.
• And out of nowhere itʼs Jaime Frakkinʼ Lannister! Ned, donʼt take the blame for Catkidnapping Tyrion. Your sense of honor is going to get you killed……..
• Fight! Jory nooooOOOOOooo! At least he went down like a BAMF. In other news, I did not know that knives went through the human skull like so much butter.
• Jaime and Ned fight it out over Joryʼs dead body and it looks like Ned might just begetting the upper hand…spear to the leg! At least Jaime punches that nameless guard for stepping out of line. No one makes a Lannister look like a coward.
And the house of cards starts tumbling down.
Donna Dickens is an associate editor for Buzzfeed and an avid Song of Ice and Fire fan. Sheʼs tryingreally hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.
Published: May 18, 2011 12:29 pm