NY Republican Accused of Lying About … Literally Everything?

Okay so we know that Republicans lie. And we know that they lie about a lot of things. They make things up about immigrants. They make things up about the LGBTQ community. They make things up about “stolen elections” and literal riots that have rocked the foundations of our democracy to its core. They lie about many, many things, but we have recently discovered a new breed of Republican that is reported to have lied about … everything.

His name is George Santos, and he is a messier gay than we of the LGBTQ community thought was capable of existing.

So Who Is George Santos?

WE DON’T KNOW. I mean, we do know, but then again DO WE? All we know for sure about Santos is that he’s gay, he’s Latino, and he’s a Republican. THAT’S IT. Everything else—his alma mater, his job history—we actually have NO IDEA. According to an article in the New York Times, most of George Santos’ resume may be “largely fiction”. Meaning that he may have just MADE UP where he went to school and the jobs that he worked. And this lying GOT HIM ELECTED.

It’s honestly a millennial fairytale come true! We’ve all been there, walking into a job interview, saddled with debt, no experience for the position that we’re applying for. Most of us might “embellish” our resumes here and there. That law firm that we temped at for a month? Yeah, we were there for a year. No big deal. After all, whose gonna know? We were there, right? But this man … THIS MAN walked in with a FAKE RESUME and a SMILE and said “I want to hold political office” and he GOT IT. It’s a miracle! It’s a victory! It’s a huge win for the unqualified everywhere! George Santos is everything I wanna be when I grow up AND MORE. Well, except for being a Republican that is.

What Did George Santos Lie About?

What DIDN’T he lie about? This man made up his ENTIRE RESUME. Okay so first off, Santos claimed to have graduated from Baruch College with “a bachelor’s degree in economics and finance” in his biography. This just (allegedly and very likely) DIDN’T HAPPEN. He did, however, graduate from the University of Lies and Secrets with a bachelor’s degree in Bullshitting.

According to a statement sent to NPR, Baruch College checked its records for “a George Santos born on July 22, 1988, with a graduation year of 2010, and could not find a match.” So unless he’s lying about his age as well (entirely possible), odds are he just didn’t even go there! It’s the Mean Girls line come true! He may have just snuck into Baruch because he “has a lot of feelings” about business and finance, but I doubt it.

NEXT he said that he got a job on Wall Street. It’s all part of his over-the-top “American Dream” narrative that he was born in “abject poverty” and now he’s a “private sector guy”. Hell yeah, Santos! Hit those Wall Street suits right in the feels! Except the suits at Goldman Sachs and Citigroup were able to recover from the emotional blows and do a little background check on Santos. And lo and behold, they found “no record” that Santos worked for either of the firms, unlike what he said in his bio!

Speaking of emotional blows, this is where it gets really sketchy.

Santos claimed in an interview with WNYC radio that some of his employees were killed at the Pulse Nightclub shooting in 2016. Santos said that “I happened to, at the time, have people that worked for me in the club,” and that his company “lost four employees that were at Pulse.” He went on to say that he carries many “tragic memories” from that day.

And that my friends, is bullshit.

According to the New York Times investigation, journalists could find no link between Santos and any of the 49 victims who were killed in the attack.

Now that’s some shady shit. Listen, I’m all for punking the Republican party, but for a gay man to falsely use the deaths of members of his own community to further his own political agenda is a whole new level of low. I take back what I said about this guy being some sort of millennial shining knight trolling the system. He’s a con man. He shouldn’t be in office. I mean, no one who aspires to join the Republican party should be in office, but that’s beside the point.

And this isn’t even the WORST of his lies based on atrocities. Santos claimed that his grandparents were Ukrainian Jews who fled the Holocaust. HOWEVER, according to a report by the independent Jewish news organization The Forward, Santos’ grandparents were Brazilian and therefore couldn’t have fled Nazi Germany because they were nowhere near Nazi Germany, despite Santos’ repeated claims to the contrary.

But Are They Gonna Even Let Him Take Office?

I mean … here’s the thing. He won the election. Government isn’t the same as the private sector. If someone on Wall Street finds out that you faked your credentials to get a job, you get fired. That’s not the case with political office. People voted for the guy. Even if he lied to get those votes, those votes were still cast. Politicians do things like this every day. Usually, they’re not as mind-numbingly flagrant about their lies, but they lie all the same. I mean, look at Donald Trump, he told countless lies and yet he still survived two impeachments and held office for four years. There’s nothing that his colleagues can do but raise a stink. But like the walls of an Amish barn, a stink is being raised.

Both politicians and voters from both sides of the aisle are pressuring Santos to resign from his position, with House Democrats labeling him “unfit to serve”. Santos himself so far has said nothing, and his lawyer says that he and Santos are currently discussing a response. This “discussing” probably involves Santos locking himself in the bathroom whispering “ididthistomeididthistomeididthistome” while his attorney attempts to jimmy the lock with a credit card. Needless to say, it ain’t looking good for Santos. He really just needs to take his ass home, but it’s possible that he doesn’t know where “home” really is. After all, it was also discovered that he had been lying about where he was registered to vote, claiming that he had lived for two years in a neighborhood that he had never set foot in. Perhaps he’s gotten tangled up in his web of lies after all? And I doubt anyone is in the mood to cut him out of it.

(image: Paramount Pictures)