On the morning after Hollywood’s biggest party, 2025 Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser went on The Howard Stern Show and broke down some of the jokes she didn’t tell. Here’s what the famous roaster chose not to say on Sunday night.
All in all, Glaser did an exceptional job hosting the Globes. Her jokes punched up at the biggest stars in Hollywood, poking fun at them without causing an uproar. She actually showed enthusiasm for the nominated films and shows. It was like she actually wanted to be there celebrating the year in entertainment. But what didn’t she say? To borrow a phrase from Golden Globe winner Wicked, it’s always fun to go to the “land of what might-have-been” and think about cut jokes, deleted scenes, dress rehearsal sketches, and the like. Here are the jokes Glaser told Stern she considered for her hosting gig, lightly ranked from jokes that were rightfully cut to jokes we kind of wish she’d gone for anyway.
A Nicole Kidman joke that might have been a little mean
“The Wild Robot is nominated tonight. And by that, I mean Nicole Kidman after two white wines.”
It’s a simple joke, and harmless-ish, but unless you’re referencing the 2004 remake of The Stepford Wives there’s no good reason to call Kidman a robot. She doesn’t deserve that, especially after her emotional and vulnerable performance in Babygirl.
An Alec Baldwin joke that was definitely too mean
“Michael Keaton was so great in Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and Alec Baldwin, sadly, did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them.”
Nooooooo! Baldwin’s victim from the Rust shooting should not be the punchline. This was a smart cut.
A political joke about someone no who is (thankfully) longer in politics
“The film Anora is nominated for four awards tonight. It’s been called the most unflinching look at sex work since Matt Gaetz’s payment history.” If Glaser cutting this joke means that Gaetz is losing relevance in the public eye, that’s ultimately a win.
An Only Murders joke that mentioned Jake Paul and Haliey Welch
“Only Murders in the Building is amazing. And I think it’s so cool that legends like Steve Martin, Martin Short, Meryl Streep, we’re still at it, putting up some of the best performances of their careers, and it’s so inspiring. And it just goes to show you, you are never too old to still need money. Guys, please don’t fight Jake Paul, please don’t do it. Why are you still working so hard? Did you get caught up in Hawk Tuah girl’s crypto scheme?”
I cannot imagine that name-dropping celebrities who are primarily influencers, like Paul and Welch, would go over well in a ballroom of the world’s top film and television talent. Like, we get it… but would they?
A Kate Winslet joke that was ultimately not about her at all
“Denzel Washington is here. The only thing that has convinced more middle-aged men they could pull off an earring than Denzel Washington is cocaine. Kate Winslet is a lot like cocaine. She’s white. She’s always with Leonardo DiCaprio, and I can’t wait to find her at the after party tonight.”
This is a good cut because it’s a little basic… though it’s refreshing to see a Leo joke that’s about something other than the women he dates.
A Conclave joke about pedophilia
“I love Conclave, and I think it’s about the cardinals choosing a new pope. And I think everyone should see it. It was so heartwarming. Honestly, it’ll touch you so much that the church will have to move it to another theater. Conclave is rated PG, bring the kids. They’ll love it. The Catholic Church will love it. Hot tip, you don’t need ID to get into the Conclave afterparty.”
Glaser told Stern that jokes about the Catholic Church and pedophilia are played out–but the first part of this joke was pretty good. And honestly, despite what Megyn Kelly has to say, Conclave painted the Catholic Church in a good light. It would not have hurt to remind the audience of the skeletons in the institution’s closet. But then again, Spotlight–a film about the Catholic church’s practice of moving pedophiles around to “avoid scandal”–did not win any Golden Globes despite winning Best Picture at the Oscars. So maybe this was the right call for the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Two Diddy jokes different from the one she told
“Amy Adams is nominated for her performance in Nightbitch, while I was totally snubbed for my performance in ‘Day Slut.’ The documentary category is tough, though, by the way, Nightbitch is what Diddy hears every evening before it lights out.”
“The Golden Globes is the only show where you can see the biggest stars and movies and television joined together with the same goal: getting out of here tonight before Dax Shepard asked them to do his podcast. This is the last time all of you will be in the same room together until the Diddy trial.”
If only that joke about “Armchair Expert,” Shepherd’s podcast, had made the cut on its own. Instead, it got thrown out with the two Diddy jokes in favor of another joke that was ultimately better. Glaser explained that she thought it might be a bad idea to allegedly implicate everyone in the room and instead joked that Challengers was “more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.” Then, when that joke elicited groans, more lightly implied the guilt of others in the room by pretending to commiserate with them about how the afterparty would be less fun this year without him. It’s a smarter way to make, basically, the same joke.
A different joke about Bob Dylan’s singing voice
“To sound like Bob Dylan, Timothée Chalamet took years of vocal lessons because, apparently, that’s how long it takes to learn to smoke 40,000 cigarettes. Timothée took lessons in guitar, dialect, movement and vocals to become Bob Dylan, while Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old-fashioned way – heroin and autism. Undiagnosed, but come on now, a lot of songs about trains.”
Jokes about people with autism and trains are usually slam dunks. However, it’s probably for the best that Glaser did not attempt to diagnose Dylan on live television.
A different joke about Wicked and Queer
“Daniel Craig is nominated for his performance in Queer, which is a movie and not just what my uncle Chuckie calls Wicked.”
This monologue joke became “Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch — these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.” Good edit! When in doubt, it’s always smart to poke fun at the city and citizens of Boston. One might even say it’s wicked smaht.
A Nic Cage joke I wish I understood
“Nicolas Cage is here tonight looking well-rested after a night of sleeping in Elvis’s coffin. Nicolas Cage is here, and so is the band of skeletons that follows him playing Ragtime jazz.”
What does this joke even mean? It’s so whimsical and sounds delightful.
A Squid Games joke that may have been too nice
“Squid Games is a show where people starve themselves while ruthlessly competing for the ultimate prize. Oh, wait, no, sorry that’s this show.”
Good joke, but in 2025 we can hardly call the Golden Globes the “ultimate” prize. And given the jokes that Glaser made about the Golden Globe’s being “Ozempic’s biggest night,” this Squid Games joke was actually pretty tame!
A joke about Joker 2 that may have been too *twisted*
“I saw Joker 2 and, you know, it reminded me of when the first Joker came out and I was in the theaters and I was afraid someone was going to shoot it up. And then during Joker 2, I was really hoping they would.”
One one hand, it’s easy to see why you might risk alienating the audience in the room and at home by joking about a mass shooting. On the other hand, Joker 2 really is that bad.
A Luigi Mangione joke that required too much explanation
“Glen Powell is nominated tonight for Hit Man. Who would have thought that by the end of the year, you’d only be the second hottest hit man in America.”
Glaser explained to Stern that when she first workshopped this joke it killed. But then the fervor around Mangione, the UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter suspect, started to die down. It took audiences longer to figure out what and who she was talking about. Monologue jokes have to go quickly, so it got the ax. Plus, you never want to have to explain a joke. That’s a bummer, because the joke would have been very funny once upon a time, and an effective way to tie pop culture and current events together. (And don’t you kind of want to know which Hollywood celebrities would have cheered at the mention of his name?)
Think she went too easy? Do you wish any of these jokes made the ceremony? Maybe next time!
Published: Jan 7, 2025 07:38 am