Our Completely Unfounded Picks for Tonight’s Golden Globes

Tonight is the Golden Globes, and while we’re mostly watching because Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Vortex are hosting, we also have thoughts on who we’d like to see win. We don’t have a lot of fancy analysis of data for this, but if there’s one thing geeks have in spades its opinions about pop culture.

Here we go. The winners are the ones under the category headers in bold.

Best Motion Picture — Drama

12 Years a Slave

Captain Phillips

Gravity – Because space!

Philomena

Rush

Best Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy

American Hustle

Her – Because we too have unhealthy attachments to our electronics.

Inside Llewyn Davis

Nebraska

The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama

Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine

Sandra Bullock – Gravity – Because space, but also because YOU try floating space for a whole movie.

Judi Dench – Philomena

Emma Thompson – Saving Mr. Banks

Kate Winslet – Labor Day

Best Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama

Chiwetel Ejiofor – 12 Years a Slave – Ejiofor made our list of 12th Doctors we would have liked to see. He obviously didn’t get the role, so let’s send him home with an award.

Idris Elba – Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom

Tom Hanks – Captain Phillips

Matthew McConaughey – Dallas Buyers Club

Robert Redford – All Is Lost

Best Actress in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy

Amy Adams – American Hustle – Because Lois Lane.

Julie Delpy – Before Midnight

Greta Gerwig – Frances Ha

Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Enough Said

Meryl Streep – August: Osage County

Best Actor in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy

Christian Bale – American Hustle – Because we wouldn’t want to tell Batman he didn’t win.

Bruce Dern – Nebraska

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Wolf Of Wall Street

Oscar Isaac – Inside Llewyn Davis

Joaquin Phoenix – Her

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Sally Hawkins – Blue Jasmine

Jennifer Lawrence – American Hustle – Because we want to see her victory speech.

Lupita Nyong’o – 12 Years a Slave

Julia Roberts – August: Osage County

June Squibb – Nebraska

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture

Barkhad Abdi – Captain Phillips

Daniel Brühl – Rush

Bradley Cooper – American Hustle

Michael Fassbender – 12 Years a Slave – He can control metal, therefor, he wins.

Jared Leto – Dallas Buyers Club

Best Director – Motion Picture

Alfonso Cuarón – Gravity

Paul Greengrass – Captain Phillips

Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave

Alexander Payne – Nebraska – Because this is the non-geek movie we’ve been looking forward to the most.

David O. Russell – American Hustle

Best Screenplay — Motion Picture

Spike Jonze – Her – Because we want to ask Siri about it in the morning.

Bob Nelson – Nebraska

Jeff Pope and Steve Coogan – Philomena

John Ridley – 12 Years a Slave

Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell – American Hustle

Best Foreign Language Film

Blue is the Warmest Color

The Great Beauty – Because it’s the only one we can translate into a foreign language without Google Translate.

The Hunt

The Past

The Wind Rises

Best Animated Feature Film

The Croods

Despicable Me 2

Frozen – Because damn, did you see Frozen?

Best Original Song — Motion Picture

“Atlas” – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

“Let It Go” – Frozen – For real though. Frozen was real great.

“Ordinary Love” – Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

“Please Mr. Kennedy” – Inside Llewyn Davis

“Sweeter Than Fiction” – One Chance

Best Original Score — Motion Picture

Alex Ebert – All is Lost

Alex Heffes – Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Steven Price – Gravity – Because in space no one can hear your tense crescendo.

John Williams – The Book Thief

Hans Zimmer – 12 Years a Slave

Best TV Series — Drama

Breaking Bad – Awards, bitch!

Downton Abbey

The Good Wife

House of Cards

Masters of Sex

Best TV Series, Comedy

The Big Bang Theory

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Girls

Modern Family

Parks and Recreation – Because treat yo’self!

Best TV Movie or Mini-Series

American Horror Story: Coven

Behind the Candelabra

Dancing on the Edge

Top of the Lake

The White Queen – Because it’s the only one on this list we actually want to watch.

Best Actress in a TV Series — Drama

Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife

Tatiana Maslany – Orphan Black – Because she’s basically like a thousand people.

Taylor Schilling – Orange is the New Black

Kerry Washington – Scandal

Robin Wright – House of Cards

Best Actor in a TV Series — Drama

Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad – Because yo, Mr. White!

Liev Schreiber – Ray Donovan

Michael Sheen – Masters of Sex

Kevin Spacey – House of Cards

James Spader – The Blacklist

Best Actress in a TV Series — Comedy

Zooey Deschanel – New Girl

Lena Dunham – Girls

Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie

Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Veep

Amy Poehler – Parks and Recreation – Because she’s great, even though we kind of want to see what would bound to be an adorable reaction when she comes back on stage after losing.

Best Actor, TV Series — Comedy

Jason Bateman – Arrested Development

Don Cheadle – House of Lies

Michael J. Fox – The Michael J. Fox Show

Jim Parsons – The Big Bang Theory

Andy Samberg – Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Because if you’re not watching this show you should be.

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie

Helena Bonham Carter – Burton and Taylor – Because why not?

Rebecca Ferguson – White Queen

Jessica Lange – American Horror Story: Coven

Helen Mirren – Phil Spector

Elisabeth Moss – Top of the Lake

Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie

Matt Damon – Behind the Candelabra

Michael Douglas – Behind the Candelabra

Chiwetel Ejiofor – Dancing on the Edge

Idris Elba – Luther – Because Golden Globe could just as easily be a Jaeger’s name.

Al Pacino – Phil Spector

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series, or TV Movie

Jacqueline Bisset – Dancing on the Edge

Janet McTeer – White Queen

Hayden Panettiere – Nashville

Monica Potter – Parenthood

Sofia Vergara – Modern Family – Because she’s going to win anyway, we might as well just get on board.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie

Josh Charles – The Good Wife

Rob Lowe- Behind the Candelabra

Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad – Because we want to see him for full-on Price is Right if he wins.

Corey Stoll – House of Cards

Jon Voight – Ray Donovan

(via The Golden Globes, image via Joe Shlabotnik)