I Don’t Know Anything About The Witcher but I Listened to That Song and Now I Can’t Stop

Never did I think that everyone would come out of a show that stars Henry Cavill saying, “That song, though,” but we’re here in 2020, the longest year of our lives, and that’s exactly what’s happening. To be honest, I’m just seeing the reactions to The Witcher through Twitter, and I do not understand any of what’s happening, and I’ve been too afraid to ask.

So here’s what happened: I got tired of being left out of the conversation. Or, more like everyone kept talking about “Toss a Coin to Your Witcher” being stuck in their heads until the end of time, and despite every fiber of my being telling me to not listen to it, I decided I wanted to try to figure out this was all about. So, I logged onto the good ol’ YouTubes and put on the scene where this cute little boy starts playing a song, and decided that I was right in probably never listening to this, because I can’t stop listening to different versions of it now and I want to cry and sing along.

That’s how I got to where I am right now: in a state of confusion and singing this stupid song on repeat, despite knowing absolutely nothing about this show except that bathtub scene and now this cute little musical boy.

So, I just have one thought about this now that I’ve heard it: Hi … what the hell is this song? Was Brendan Urie busy, so they just made a song kind of sound like Panic! At the Disco would sing this?

I have absolutely no context for this scene; I only know certain aspects of this show, and I’m just sitting here now singing this song and hating that I ever decided to do this in the first place. Why did I decide to torture myself? Probably because I have severe FOMO in every situation and felt like I was behind the times, but now I wish I’d let that bit of anxiety go so I wasn’t singing “Toss a coin to your witcher” aggressively every five seconds.

There is also a plethora of covers of this song (how it literally just came out), and one that I would probably sing at karaoke, despite my better judgment, is this one:

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to break down the lyrics of this song and try to understand the show from it and it alone.

The song starts with “When a humble bard graced a ride along with Geralt of Rivia along came this song” and okay, so is Geralt the Witcher? Is that Henry Cavill? And I’m guessing the bard is the little music man? But is Rivia where Henry Cavill is FROM or where he’s going or like his full title?????? Also “graced a ride along” makes me think of the movie Ride Along, and that completely changes whatever this dynamic is for me.

From there, the song goes on to call someone the “White Wolf,” which, okay, is Bucky Barnes here? Or is that Geralt, cause his hair is blonde, cause rude of you all to call him a White Wolf, then. Don’t worry, though, the song gets real dark, because cute little music boy gets beaten? “They came after me with masterful deceit, broke down my lute and they kicked in my teeth. While the devil’s horns minced our tender meat and so cried the Witcher, he can’t be bleat,” comes the tale of my immediate favorite character apparently being attacked, and I guess the Witcher just cried about it? (Truly, what the actual f**k is this?)

Then, we really get into it. We’re tossing money at a Witcher, we’re in some valley that I guess is plentiful, and … I don’t know. It’s the part stuck in my damn head. And then it goes on and on to praise, I think, the Witcher, but also, I don’t know anything. I’m still confused. IS HENRY CAVILL THE WITCHER? WHAT EVEN IS A WITCHER? Who is to say.

My personal favorite is that, apparently, the Witcher is not a fan of Elf on the Shelf. “He thrust every elf far back on the shelf,” my music boy sings, and honestly, okay. What I gather is that we throw money at Henry Cavill (which I kind of do anyway, watching his terrible movies) because he fought some people?

I honestly just wanted to be included, and now I’m sincerely regretting the decision, because I’m even more confused. Why is this the thing that everyone has clung to? Is there more? Am I going to love that little boy and his ukelele thing? Will I actually enjoy The Witcher or hate it?

These are the questions currently plaguing me as I continue to hum “Toss a Coin to Your Witcher” out loud and hope that someone else will play literally any other song to get this damn thing out of my head.

Save me.

(image: Netflix)

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