I feel like Connor Roy when I talk about my dead dad

I was warned about an episode in the final season of Succession. It came out when I was at Star Wars Celebration in London and no one wanted me spoiled but they also knew I’d be upset. I thought something happened to Kendall Roy but it’s because my dad’s dead.

That might sound harsh but it is just a fact of life for me. My father died 13 days after I turned 30 years old. My big birthday was spent waiting to see when he’d go. It sucked. But if I reacted emotionally to every time something reminded me of my dad, I’d be constantly crying. Instead, I make a lot of jokes about being in the dead dad club.

He died on November 21, 2021. Succession killed Logan Roy on April 9, 2023. I was not a Logan Roy fan but my friends were rightfully concerned for me when it came to dead dads. After all, my favorite tag to use on Letterboxd is one I made that says “dead dad club.” While the episode itself wasn’t as hard to watch as I thought it would be, there are moments from Logan’s death that really stuck with me.

Roman Roy breaking down and looking at the casket is one of those moments. In fact, it was the way I first remembered my dad today.

But the line I feel with each passing year came from Connor Roy. Typically the butt of a Roy family joke, Connor had one rare moment of clarity for me that I now cling to each November. He says “My father is dead and I feel old.” It is something that I fear will always now reflect how I feel on this day. Another year gone, another year older without my dad.

Grief never stops but we find ways of coping in the dead dad club

Look, I know how silly it is to say that a character like Connor Roy is relatable in this moment. Grief is a real thing people go through and you can cope with it outside of the media you consume. But a lot of my relationship with my father was tied to movies, television shows, and music. He drove me to my piano and guitar lessons. He was the one who took me to acting classes. And my dad would sit and watch the same movies and shows with me over and over again.

So when I watch a movie or show that makes me think of him, I connect with it. Obviously, Logan Roy dying and his kids grieving served that purpose for me.

Part of me thinks that every year I feel my age more because of his death. He’ll never meet the man I marry or my future kids. My father won’t walk me down the aisle or call me to tell me about some movie he “discovered” that came out years ago. That’s just the reality I live in now. So yes, my father is dead and I do feel old. But I am grateful that I can turn to stories about grief and loss and find solace in the fact that it is, unfortunately, a part of life many of us relate to.