I Have Three Questions for the FART Republican Caucus

If you needed any more proof we’re in the absolute dumbest timeline imaginable in this country, there is a contingent of the Freedom (read: fascist jackhole) Caucus that has formed to be as obstructionist as possible, with the most unhinged name possible.

Friends, let me introduce to you the FART team. Guess what? We’re both going to waste some brain cells while I explain what FART’s main objectives are, but spoiler alert: It’s to hang around the halls of Congress like an odious, lingering gas exhalation.

See, the Freedom Caucus wants to ensure the country doesn’t operate at even the barest of minimum standards, so they have formed the elite FART comprised of unnamed people who are being paid to do this with your tax dollars. FART (hehe) will monitor the House floor and avert any rule changes that would make it harder to get rid of the current Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who only holds a paltry 5-vote majority. FART exists only because its members hate progress, the government, and being of any possible use to society whatsoever. So naturally, they got into politics. I’m not kidding when I say these nerds would be more productive if they stayed home and watched The Office re-runs all day.

However, I have some questions for the FART, so if you would indulge me, I’d like to ask them here.

Is this performance art?

No, seriously, I need to know. Surely you understand the jokes write themselves, and yet, FART is the acronym you went with?! Did all that horse de-wormer you took during the COVID lockdowns break your brains? Is this the worst art installation of all time? Are you all just a group of bored trust fund kids who got together and decided to create this massive art installation where you dismantle the fabric of our democracy in an attempt to say … something, and now, we’re in the end game? Because you have to understand that makes far more sense than a group of adults who are willingly calling themselves the FART team. That’s a name my little brother would have used proudly when his friends slept over at our house when he was eight.

Do you not value your time, like, at all?!

Imagine having so little to do that your existence is comprised of lurking in the shadows of the congressional halls, desperately searching for a whiff of your own party’s self-preservation. I once saw an episode of Jerry Springer in the ’90s where a man was cheated on by his girlfriend. So he waited until he got a new girlfriend, then cheated on her so that someone else knew what it felt like. This is what that feels like. You have so little to do that you’re sabotaging yourself for reasons known only to the rest of the FARTers, and you’re not embarrassed enough to try to hide it. Why?!? Is it a humiliation kink, because we did not consent to being a part of this clownery? Make it make sense, Republicans!

Were no other acronyms available?!

If I know one thing about Republicans, it’s that their intentional humor is non-existent. If I know two things about Republicans, it’s that they can’t help but create unintentional comedy wherever they go because aggrieved, angry people in power are objectively hilarious. What, exactly, do you have to be mad at today? You have it all, you lunatics!

At no point did any of the FARTers stop, look at themselves and their cohorts, and say “What are we doing?!” You could have gone with the Avoid Speaker Supremacy Squad, or the Don’t Underestimate Mike’s Buddies Brigade. So many options available, and you went with FART. Can you please explain that?

Also, bonus question because I already know the answer, but could you just not?!

(featured image: Andrew Harnik/Getty Images)