JD Vance Is So Boring, He Can’t Think of a Better Insult to Lob at Kamala Harris Than ‘Childless Cat Lady’

In news that will shock no one, JD Vance is terrible at insulting Vice President Kamala Harris. This is probably pretty shocking to someone like him who is used to failing upwards with the money of a neo-nazi sympathizer backing them. Oh well, I guess no one can be good at everything, right?

So here’s the deal, Vance’s comments about Harris, which he made in 2021 and 2022, have come back to bite him in the butt because they’re dumb, verbally lazy, and frankly uninspiring. In 2021, the finance bro-turned-politician (a surprisingly active pipeline even if we all wished it weren’t) railed against the “childless left” who want to make policies for the future despite not having children. Vance’s broligarchy opinion is that a lack of children somehow makes a person have less of a stake in the future of America.

Vance doubled down on this speaking to Tucker Carlson, a man who frequently comes across as irrationally angry at how horny the Green M&M makes him, later in 2022:

Vance told Carlson: “We’re effectively run in this country—via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs—by a bunch of childless cat ladies, who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. It’s just a basic fact.

“If you look at Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, AOC, the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we’ve turned our country over to people who don’t really have a direct stake in it?”

Look, we could make ourselves angry at step-parent erasure, which Harris has been since 2014, but I would much rather just point and laugh at how deeply stupid these men are and how small their lives must be. Vance is simply telling on himself. Poorly, I might add. He’s got the charisma of Kevin Sorbo-Scott Baio’s direct-to-streaming cop buddy movie with a high approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is to say, it’s nonexistent. So what’s a fella to do when he simply lacks in everything but white male privilege? Attack anyone who’s not like him!

Now, let’s get something out of the way: I am a childless cat lady. I think cats are awesome. Jeff, the cat, is currently sleeping right next to me, oblivious that somewhere out there a weirdo from Ohio thinks he has more of a right in the say of the future of America than I do because he had some kids. (Not that he actually cares about protecting kids via his policies, of course. He has proven time and again that he’ll choose guns over kids when given the opportunity.)

I really enjoy that Vance is so myopic in his own worldview that the thought would never cross his mind that some people want to make the world a better place for everyone else because it’s the right and kind thing to do. It’s especially hilarious that he thought it prudent to take his rant to Tucker Carlson of all people. That’s all a guy like him can do: Rant. Why? He’s absolutely atrocious at public speaking and has the stage presence of a cardboard cutout of a tree. Just look at him!

All I can say is: Yikes. Stick to making the world a more terrible place behind the scenes, buddy. This is simply not your forte. Jeff, the cat, could have worked the crowd better, my man!

Here are some facts. Vance’s top donor for his Senate campaign was Peter Theil, who gave him 15 million dollars. The most anyone has ever given to a candidate in a Senate election. It must be nice to have your own Daddy Warbucks to throw ungodly sums of cash at you when you decide it’s time to stop writing exploitative memoirs about your family and get into the political grift, sorry, the life of public service.

You know who has led a life of public service? Madam Vice President Kamala Harris. Also, not for nothing, but some moderate Googling indicates that Madam Vice President doesn’t actually have any pets.

You know who does have cats and is childless, though?

Hell hath no fury like a Swiftie scorned, bro. Go cry about it to your billionaire donor. The rest of us will pet our cats and enjoy our lives, while thinking of how we can make the future a better world … for your children, I guess.