“An Amount Has Been Paid to Assassinate You,” Says Scam Email That Reads Like an Enemies to Lovers Fanfic

Scam emails are a bit of an art form when done properly. Anyone can send you an email about some kind of new medicine or your bank account being locked (even if you don’t have an account at that bank), but it takes a true wordsmith to draft a letter about being a lost relative with a million zillion dollars and, of course, royalty from a far off land.

Like… outer space?!

Kirstin Munro, an assistant professor at The University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, brought a new kind of scam email to Twitter’s attention, one with potential deadly assassin-like consequences if you don’t answer.

Clearly, Khalifa Shamoon doesn’t realize what decade this is. We are long past the days of just deleting bizarre scam emails that automatically go to our spam folders. We’re millennials. We share that shit on Twitter and craft together humorous responses.

I’m not stuck in the room with Khalifa, Khalifa’s stuck in the room with me

Twitter is, apparently, full of assassins in training who are ready to go up against someone who’s got an, admittedly, kinda cool assassin name.

Or some are just familiar with Fire Emblem. 

Some, however, have the sense to propose a team-up of sorts – via bank routing numbers, of course.

Others couldn’t believe the audacity of the assassin sending an email. Whatever happened to stealth? At the very least, if you decide to turn your back on the organization and not kill the target, don’t announce it via Gmail!

Make my death quick and easy, please

Because we’re all a little tired, aren’t we? Especially with the way the past two years (oh my god, it’s almost 2022) have been going. For every “we engage in combat at dawn” response was one that awaited the sweet embrace of a, hopefully, badass death.

I know enemies to lovers fic when I see it

“Are you really bad the way I was told?”

I mean there has to be a reason why a warning email was sent first, right? Khalifa could’ve just gone for the kill but they’ve had a change of heart. Do they have to kill again? They’re probably tired of it. The endless violence. The bloodshed.

But there’s something they see in you, something that urges them to reach toward you.

It’s not a scam.

It’s love.

Of course, having this change of heart comes at a price.

As long as we can bring my wife and find a good home for our cats, I’m game.

Just link me to your hefty assassin bank account, first. It’s not a scam, I promise.

(Image: Focus Features)

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Briana Lawrence

Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)

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