Leonardo DiCaprio Hand-Fed His Girlfriend a Burrito

Leonardo DiCaprio’s presumably deadly allergy to dating women above the age of 25 has taken a turn into self-parody, as the actor was recently spotted hand-feeding a burrito to his 25-year-old girlfriend in broad daylight.

DiCaprio was recently photographed at a Los Angeles restaurant with his girlfriend, 25-year-old model Vittoria Ceretti. Page Six would like you to believe that the most notable thing about this lunch date is the ring on Ceretti’s finger, undoubtedly a bewitched runestone that will disintegrate on her 26th birthday. Such is the tragedy that has befallen many a hopeful young maiden. I don’t make the rules; that’s the bog witch who lives in Martin Scorsese’s koi pond and cursed Leonardo DiCaprio to an eternity of dating 25-year-old women.

Because we all know how this tragic fairytale ends, the ring is not important. In fact, it is distracting you from an early frontrunner for Photo of the Year: Leonardo DiCaprio hand-feeds a burrito to his young girlfriend.

It would be too easy to make jokes about DiCaprio’s girlfriends being too young to feed themselves, or wonder aloud if he employed the airplane technique or the choo-choo train approach (you gotta go with choo-choo for burrito, right?) to help Ceretti, who is obviously not a child because only a Big Girl could handle such a big bite. So I won’t make those jokes.

Instead, I believe what we are witnessing here is not a grown man feeding a small woman incapable of consuming a large burrito on her own (we all know these things are unwieldy at best), but a man who has no choice but to shovel a burrito in his girlfriend’s mouth in the middle of the day because of the bog witch’s curse. See, Ceretti is sort of like a mogwai, and if she consumes food under the light of the moon, she will turn into a 26-year-old hag, her skin wrinkling in on itself until she crumples into a pile of shriveled collagen. Leonardo DiCaprio is not a weird paternalistic boyfriend; he is a princely hero trying to prolong his girlfriend’s life.

(featured image: Axelle / Bauer-Griffin / FilmMagic / Illustration by The Mary Sue)