Princesses. They’re not for everyone. I totally get that. They were, however, definitely for me.
I’ve said before that I was a weird kid, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. We didn’t have the moolah to fork out on official princess-wear, so I mostly got by on fluffy slips, nightgowns, and ballet slippers, and for special events like Halloween or school plays, my mom would sew me a costume. My favorite daily-wear princess outfit was my fluffy slip, black ballet shoes, and a hand-me-down Cub Scout jacket/shirt thing. I liked to pretend that the world as we knew it had ended and I was a battle princess saving the world. I would still wear that outfit. Khaki and lace, my downfall…
Anyway, back on track! My parents never told me I had to be a princess or anything like that. One year, I was a cat. With a tiara. A cat princess. One year, I was a Pumpkin Princess (basically, I wanted a Halloweeny-print princess dress.) I’ve been an Enchantress Princess, a Medieval Princess, a Space Princess, an Evil Princess, a Fortune Teller Princess, a Goth Princess… the list goes on. My princess attachment may go back to finding out from one of those What-Does-Your-Name-Mean plaques as a beginning reader that my name, “Sara,” means “princess.” I think I took it to heart, just like when I read a bunch of older books where people were dying of consumption and convinced myself that when I had a cold, I had the consumption as well. I actually remember standing in a bathroom stall in third grade trying to calculate how many years I had left. Thanks for that, L. M. Montgomery! Obviously, I’m neither an actual princess, nor actually dying of consumption, but I promise the former idea was a lot more fun for my imagination than the latter.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from a full imagination-life as a Princess of Many Professions, it’s that even the most outdated Disney Princesses have some wisdom to impart.
1. Raising girls in isolation in the forest is a terrible way to prevent them from marrying young.
Yeah. At least Rapunzel was eighteen, right? Aurora was what, sixteen? I guess when your historical life expectancy (it was the fourteenth century for Aurora, right?) is about forty, sixteen is practically an old maid. Of course Aurora and Rapunzel were excited to meet Prince Phillip and Flynn Rider! They were warm-blooded ladies, lonely as hell, and Phillip and Flynn (Eugene) were not exactly hard to look at. I mean… dat Smolder!
It’s okay, Eugene. You’re still pretty.
Aurora only knew Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather… it’s a good thing she’s looking forward to a life of royalty, because there is zero percent chance that she learned how to cook a meal or make some clothes from those three! They must have eaten berries and grass for her entire childhood, and stolen clothing changes off of someone else’s clothesline. Poor Rapunzel only knew her “mother,” who was emotionally abusive and controlling to the point that the poor girl was borderline agoraphobic and half neurotic. If you don’t want your teenage “daughter” to run off with the first man she lays eyes on, try not isolating or imprisoning her? Maybe?
Aurora did it first.
2. If a witch wants to make you sign a contract, rethink your plan.
Yes, Ursula has great power, and yes, she is just about the most fabulous villain Disney has ever produced, but a villain she is. Ladies – no gentleman is worth signing a contract etched onto gold giving up your voice to a known Sea Witch for the privilege of three days of hardcore flirting. “You have your looks! Your pretty face! And DON’T underestimate the importance of… body language!” *shakes boobs like Ursula* Ahem… it appears I cannot resist a good Disney singalong.
King Triton clearly had the power to turn Ariel into a human. All she had to do was keep going up to the surface and learning about humans and take her time deciding if she wanted to be one or not. She could have had Scuttle chuck rocks at Eric’s window to get him to come down to the beach, or hidden behind a boulder on the beach and waited for an opportunity to snuggle Max the sheepdog. Eric would be along soon enough, and then she could have a convo and be like, “So, I’m tired of ocean life, and I can’t come chill in your palace unless you have a hella nice bathtub for me to sit in… do you even like me? Are we dating?” If they decide it’s true love, she could have started presenting her dad with reasonable arguments over a period of months or years for turning her human. She could even hold the Sea Witch over his head – “Okay, Dad. Would you rather turn me human with your trident magic yourself and know it’s done right, or would you rather I go see Ursula on my own, because so-help-me, I will do it!” He would have eventually given in, and things could have been totally cool.
3. If your father’s Vizier looks creepy, he probably IS creepy. Get a pet tiger.
Okay, Sultan of Agrabah… you’re a nice guy, but your judgment of character is just not excellent. Wow. What was the hiring process like for the position of Royal Vizier? Was it Iago that got Jafar the job? That’s my theory, anyway. There they are, a long line of qualified, non-creepy applicants with great resumes for the position of Vizier, and in strolls Jafar, with Iago on his shoulder, and the Sultan is all like, “Shit! A parrot! A talking parrot! I don’t give one actual fuck what this guy is like – he’s soooo hired! Here, birdy-birdy! Polly wanna cracker?” That is so how this went down.
Meanwhile, Jasmine becomes a teenager and starts getting serious creeper vibes from Jafar and his wacky snake-stick. She makes a mental note that instead of a pony (another one), llamas galore, a brass band, or some birds that warble on key, this year, she’s asking for a baby tiger for her birthday. A baby tiger she can bond with, raise, and snuggle so that she can sleep well without worrying about Jafar and his creepy, creepy snake-stick. As I said when online-messaging with a distant friend, “Hugs from afar! I mean, that’s better than hugs from Jafar, right?”
If you obtain an actual tiger, don’t abandon him! Sheesh, Jasmine!
4.) All work and no play makes Tiana a dull lady.
There is not much to dislike about Tiana’s incredible work ethic. She scrimped and saved and did everything she could to make her dreams a reality. That said, she did tend to eschew fun as though it might just get all over her shoe. Prince Naveen… well, he was pretty much the opposite. They’re one of those couples where you just kind of think, “If I could just shake them up in a hat…”
Naveen is kind of like a human Baloo with his easy-going philosophy of just chilling and letting the music take him, pretty much making him the anti-Tiana. Tiana’s type-A personality is all about barreling forward without much thought for the past or even the present. That’s the real message of the movie, I think – that Type-A Tiana found contentment and was willing to live in the present instead of the future for the right person, and the Prince of Cool was able to consider the future, rather than living for the moment. Tiana’s face when she’s about to kiss Frog Naveen for the first time is one of my favorite things ever. She’s just so… Tiana about it!
She’s all, “If I’m losing my mind, this is SUCH a waste of time!”
5. Sometimes, you just want to get out of the house and go to the ball and party like it’s 1499.
Whether you’re more of a Cinderella, Aurora, Belle, Tiana, or Anna… sometimes, you just want to put on your floofiest party dress, your prettiest shoes, and go dance it out with a hot prince. Sometimes, your fairy godmothers will have a magic fight and turn your amazing dress into a tie-dyed nightmare. Sometimes, your fairy godmother might give you a weird, arbitrary curfew, after which your party attire turns back to rags and your mode of transportation disappears because it was basically a pumpkin. And yet other times, your uptight sister ruins your fun and won’t let you marry a complete stranger. That said, sometimes girls just wanna have fun, and only a night out will do the trick. All work and no play – even Tiana learned to feel the music and let it go from time to time. Frozen pun totally intended.
Baloo, the ultimate party animal.
6. What do you do when your prince has come, but has the personality of a cardboard box?
Oh, Snow White and Cinderella. Sorry, ladies. When your movies were made, Disney had not yet figured out the Fun Prince. Your Princes Charming were just that… princes who were charming. And… that was kind of it. So, what do you do when your prince has come but seems to have the personality of an old box of Cornflakes? You make sequels. Lots and lots of sequels where the Princesses of a Simpler Time wrestle with the issues of modern life. And, if the sequels don’t cover it, there’s always Once Upon a Time, where older Disney heroes and heroines go to develop personalities and wield swords.
7. If you start to suspect that you’re the ONLY one who can talk to birds and mice…
Timmy fell down the well? In the woods? By the old mill?
Cinderella, Aurora, Snow White… I’m talking to you, ladies. I always wonder if there’s a moment when Cinderella is down on the floor, scrubbing like crazy and finds herself suddenly wondering why she is literally the only person who can talk to mice and birds? What is that moment like? After Philip and Aurora got married and moved into the castle, were there any weird moments where Philip enters a room and sees her talking to a squirrel and some owls, and says, “Aurora, babe… I get it. You love animals. I love my horse. Even when he throws me into creeks and stuff, but sweetie… there is owl poop all over the living room, and I think your friend Snow’s deer are licking our dishes. This has gone too far!” And Aurora just looks up like, “Ooooh, shit. I am really actually the only one who can communicate with them. Do I have psychic abilities? I know that owl harmonized with me that day in the woods…”
8.) If your crush doesn’t yet know you’re actually a girl and seems pretty into you anyway…
to defeat… the Huns!
I think we can all agree that Mulan is pretty badass. Not only was she an amazing warrior, she actually didn’t start out that way. She trained like a mofo, to music even, kind of like Rocky, except that instead of Eye of the Tiger, we get The Song That Never Leaves My Brain – I’ll Make a Man Out of You. Seriously. Ask anyone who knows me. If I hear that song, even for a second, you’re in for a whole evening of me singing, “Let’s get down to business! To defeat the Huns!”
Mulan wasn’t awesome at the traditional girly-things she was expected to master, but this doesn’t mean that she was automatically an amazing warrior. She worked for it, physically and mentally. I wonder how many times poor old Li Shang questioned his own sexuality while Mulan was training as Ping? Sure, he was all grumpy and drill-sergeant-y, but was that a facade to cover his growing sense of confusion?
9. ) If you suspect your dwarven landlords are workaholics and want to get them help.
This is an intervention. You guys work waaaay too much.
They dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig in a mine the whole day through. They whistle while they work. Up with the sun and into the mines… the Seven Dwarfs might just be workaholics. I mean, they work with their roommates and room with their co-workers. Maybe all of that togetherness is starting to become a bit of a toxic environment. Maybe Grumpy is just pissed that Dopey isn’t picking up the slack at work in the mines, and Doc thinks they’re all disregarding their health, and Sneezy has probably inhaled something awful in the mine and may need medical treatment, and Sleepy’s narcolepsy is dangerous on the job… and it’s possible that Happy has turned to “herbal supplements” to maintain his cheerful facade in the face of constant diamond mining.
Snow White may need to have a workaholic invervention. “Now, gentlemen,” she might say, “we all know you all feel very connected to the diamond mine, and I’m really glad that you’re all such dedicated employees; but don’t you fellows think that since there isn’t any clear goal in sight for your mined diamonds, that perhaps you could take the day off and CLEAN UP YOUR OWN FREAKING MESSES!”
10. If you find yourself attracted to a Beast because he has an awesome library… and, well, you’re kind of an introvert anyway.
Maybe you could chill in the library for the rest of your life and not really miss your dad too much at all. I mean LOOK at all of those books. LOOK AT THEM!
Paradise.
Stockholm Syndrome aside, that library is one hell of a legit reason to stay with the Beast. Did the young Prince’s parents stockpile the contents of the Great Library of Alexandria? I think maybe they did, because this library is clearly superior in all of the ways.
If Belle had instead seen Maurice happily tinkering at home on his latest invention, not staggering through the forest being chased by wolves in the Beast’s magic mirror, would she have ever gone home for a visit? Can’t blame a lady for the library love. Library love is real love. If you think about it, the Beast was pretty much a kid when the sorceress turned him. He couldn’t read yet. All of those books that could have soothed his anger issues and given him a way to occupy his time, and he’s stuck in there not being able to read. That, right there, is the true tragedy of the Tale as Old as Time.
I was into hairy guys before beards were cool again.
Yeah, Disney Princesses aren’t without their issues. Stockholm, young brides, possible talking animal hallucinations, workaholic landlords, introversion, and a whole lot of dead parents – it sounds like a soap opera; but if you get a little deeper, it sounds a lot like princess problems are just… people problems. The best lesson we can take away from Disney Princesses is that nobody is perfect. Not even princesses.
Sara Goodwin has a B.A. in Classical Civilization and an M.A. in Library Science from Indiana University. Once she went on an archaeological dig and found awesome ancient stuff. Sara enjoys a smorgasbord of pan-nerd entertainment such as Renaissance faires, anime conventions, steampunk, and science fiction and fantasy conventions. In her free time, she writes things like fairy tale haiku, fantasy novels, and terrible poetry about being stalked by one-eyed opossums. In her other spare time, she sells nerdware as With a Grain of Salt Designs, Tweets, and Tumbls.
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Published: Mar 20, 2015 08:00 pm