Michael Flynn Wants Your Sperm

Now, I can’t speak from experience, but I have to imagine that if I could produce sperm, I wouldn’t give it away to just anyone—maybe especially if they specifically asked for it. (I tend to feel like that would be a big ol’ red flag?!) I definitely wouldn’t just give it away willy-nilly to a man who should be in jail right now but got a pardon from Donald Trump, but that’s just me; call me weird, tell me I’m out of touch.

If you need me to narrow down that list, I’m talking, of course, about professional conservative grifter and disgraced retired lieutenant general Michael Flynn.

Flynn’s latest scam is creating an absolutely unhinged site called 4 the Pure that is part dating site, part fertility matching program (that’s where the sperm comes in), part blood bank (I hope they have proper storage facilities and aren’t just doing it all based on vibes and bags o’ blood), part business directory, and all grift for anyone who isn’t vaccinated against COVID-19. (Get it? They’re pure. I’m sure borrowing from white supremacist language is merely a coincidence, right?! What’s a little eugenics among patriots friends?)

Media Matters for America’s Kat Abu breaks down the weirdness:

Here, you can also let the man tell you himself:

Notice how he doesn’t do a direct solicitation for your bodily fluids, gents. You gotta lure them in gently with that one, I suspect. The website, though, is ready to get down to the nitty-gritty:

Couples who face fertility issues can find sperm donors, egg donors, breastmilk donors, surrogates, embryo donations, and adoptions from COVID-19 unvaccinated people.

Hear that, ladies?! In case you were feeling left out, Flynn wants your bodily fluids, too! 4 the Pure is an equal opportunity creepy marketplace for everyone!

OK, we’re going to answer the most pressing question first, here: yes, forthepure.com exists and it redirects to 4thepure.com. No, I have no idea why you’d want to use the less intuitive choice of “4thepure” as your primary domain. Is it a QAnon thing? (They love numbers.) Perhaps Flynn thinks his primary demographic doesn’t know how to spell “for”?

Second question: No, none of this is set up yet. The entire site is just a shell to drive people to sign up to get a notice when the site launches and tell you it won’t be free for many features. (All that bodily fluid solicitation comes with a price, you gotta pay the toll!) Obviously, there is a fee to use it beyond the basic “Starter” tier of membership, which does not get you access to sperm, merely news and podcasts. The highest tier is the Corporate Pro account which is a mere $25k for a lifetime membership. Chump change! But what is $25k when you have access to solicit bodily fluid from all members?! To a certain type of person you will never want to meet, that is surely priceless.

Not ready to commit at that level? Don’t worry, you can pay $99.95 per month, which lets you be a “full member” (I don’t know what that means either, let’s hope it has nothing to do with the bodily fluids the site is trying to get from you) and create your own groups. Wow, a steal at $1199.40 annually.

The site is not yet set up take payment but take it from me, someone who got swindled from one too many beanie baby collector sites back in the day: Don’t do it; this is a scam. You would be better off investing your money in the beanie baby market, which I am convinced will come back any day now.

Also, can someone explain to me the type of person who refuses to get a vaccine because they don’t know what went into the research, development, and formulation of it but is more than happy to give this site, operated by a criminal, their personal data?! Flynn calls these people patriots in his video. That is … not the descriptor I would choose.

Still not convinced this is a scam? They’re going to sell your data to the highest bidder as long as they think you might like whatever snake oil they’re peddling, per the privacy policy listed on the site:

4thePURE does not sell, rent, or lease its customer lists to third parties.

4thePURE may, from time to time, contact you on behalf of external business partners about a particular offering that may be of interest to you. In those cases, your unique personally identifiable information (e-mail, name, address, telephone number) is transferred to the third party.

I included the first part of that sentence to demonstrate how they weasel out of the promise in the next sentence. Notice how they don’t include a qualifier of “if you respond to this offer.” Nope, per their own terms, they can send you the offer and let the third party know your data because you were sent it.

Ultimately though, does anyone truly need 4 the Pure when Facebook is still out there? We’ve all seen the MAGAs descend anytime a publication posts a new news article, especially if it’s about Joe Biden. Also, I once saw a guy try to sell expired McDonald’s yogurt via the Facebook Marketplace on that hell site. (Tell me, someone somewhere out there isn’t currently selling bodily fluids on it as well.) 4 the Pure has its work cut out for it if it expects to compete with that.

(featured image: Dustin Franz/Getty Images)