I need a hug. A BIG hug. Huge. Gargantuan. Towering. Massive. Behemoth. Titanic. Jumbo. And I need an absolutely ENORMOUS squishmallow to give it to me. I want to be dwarfed by the sheer, awesome size of my stuffed companion. I need one of these giant squishmallows.
Strawberry Milk
I have a thirst. I thirst for affection. A thirst that only a 24″ glass of plush Strawberry Milk can quench. Look at this gigantic thing. I could read that “MILK” label on written on the front of it from space. And those eyes. Even her lashes are huge. She MUST have extensions. Where did she get them done? I must know.
Happy Birthday Axolotl
Do you know what I want for my birthday this year? This enormous Happy Birthday Axolotl. Did you know that real life axolotls are some of the biggest amphibians in the world? I think the giant salamander is bigger, but I don’t see plushies of any of those guys. Maybe they’re not the festive type. But this guy? This guy is the life of the party. It’s my birthday 365 days a year when he’s around.
Taro Boba Tea
That Strawberry Milk was good, but I think I need to wash it down with a massive 24″ glass of Taro Boba Tea. I’m certain that if this squishmallow was a real glass of boba, I would need to be hospitalized from a sugar overdose immediately. Just look how adorably sweet that wink is! And those lashes! She and the Strawberry Milk must go to the same place to get them done. A place that only serves large plush versions of popular drinks.
Ronnie Cow
There’s a reason Ronnie Cow is worth two Benjamin Franklins. It’s because he’s 24 inches of pure angus plush beef. Like his father, Ronald Cow Sr. before him, Ronnie is a professional cuddler. It’s his family’s trade, and can be traced by generations since the first came from the plush hills of Scotland. Ronnie Jr., your peerless lineage never ceases to impress.
Keisha the Carrot Cupcake
Keisha the Carrot Cupcake is 20 inches of vegetable baked goodness. Carrots are vegetables right? Or are they some sort of ground fruit? Or perhaps a starch? Some foods seem to defy categorization, like the avocado for instance. Keisha, I need some answers. I don’t know if she’s prepared to give them though, being a baked good and all. Does she even remember her past life as a carrot in the dirt? I’ll have to ask.
Peach Bigfoot
Peach Bigfoot is officially my favorite Squishmallow. 20 inches of rainbow-haired joy. Whose idea was it to make Bigfoot such an adorable little big guy? This is why Squishmallows gets paid the big bucks, they’ve cornered the market on cuteness. Not even real Sasquatch could compete with the majesty of this thing.
Poison Dart Frog
Poison Dart Frog is a full 20 inches of danger. He’s cuddle-able, but at a steep cost. Poison dart frogs, if the name didn’t clue you in, are highly toxic animals that secret a deadly poison through their skin. If you touch one of these brightly colored cuties, you could be in serious trouble. What potent chemical concoctions are hidden beneath the felt and foam of this amphibian? Hug him and find out.
Purple Elephant
If this 20″ Purple Elephant were any bigger, I fear that it would be poached out of existence. She doesn’t have tusks, which interestingly enough many real world elephants lack too. Why? Natural selections. The ones with tusks get killed for ivory, the few without multiple. This Purple Elephant comes from a long line of survivors. Show respect.
Purple Mushroom
I think that I’ve tripped balls on a Purple Mushroom like this. In fact, I think that this very 20″ Squishmallow mushroom appeared to me in a spirit quest dream and told me to call my father. When I woke up, I was naked in an alleyway with nothing but this mushroom to cover my shame. My dad picked me up. We haven’t spoken of it since. Cute Squishmallow though.
Pink and Purple Yeti
Like Peach Bigfoot before her, this Pink and Purple Yeti is another mythically adorable beast. Clocking in at 20″, this Yeti could certainly take on the evenly sized Peach Bigfoot on a fight. What a terrible spectacle it would be to behold. Just imagine the two, trading plush punches that could shake the foundations of the futon you sleep on. A veritable battle of gods.
Red Velociraptor
A velociraptor Squishmallow is horrifying in concept, but adorable in execution. Just look at this little cutie! The 20″ Red Velociraptor Kelly even has a little punk rock mohawk. But is that 20″ with or without the mohawk? Does hair count towards total height? Perhaps another dinosaur in the scene could advise.
Raspberry Betta Fish
Don’t let this 20″ Raspberry Betta Fish‘s unassuming looks fool you. These fish are killers. Don’t believe me? Buy two of them and leave them alone for an hour. When you come back, one will have its stuffed guts strewn all over the floor. They’re called “fighting fish” for a reason. In real life and in Squishmallow form, they want all the smoke.
Bald Eagle
This 20″ Bald Eagle is the picture of majesty. No wonder the Founding Fathers picked this bird over the turkey to represent America as a nation. Benjamin Franklin objected. He wrote that the turkey was “a much more respectable Bird … a Bird of Courage”. Ben also said that the eagle was “a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly … [he] is too lazy to fish for himself.” Wow. So judgmental. I don’t think that Ben Franklin has even seen a bald eagle. But if he ever laid an eye on this Squishmallow, I’m afraid he’d be proven right. This squishy little guy doesn’t do much of anything, let alone fish. He just lays there, but that’s what you bought him for. You two can be bad moral characters together.
Published: Jun 21, 2024 02:21 pm