No Thanks, I Don’t Need My Holiday Decor To Start Tongue Flicking

Every year, the holiday decoration industry kicks it up a notch. Whether it’s poorly thought-out skeletons, Lewis the Sassy Pumpkin King, or this butt-plug-shaped Christmas tree, holiday decor is reaching insane new heights. But you’re sorely mistaken if you think bizarre decor peaked with Home Depot’s giant crab (what does he celebrate?!?).

I regret to inform you that a new holiday decor/toy trend is coming and it’s really gross. Meet the tongue-wagging elf!

HAHA NO THANKS! Who TF is this elf and why is he doing that with his tongue? And what exactly does he have to do with Christmas? The Winter Wonder Lane Funny Face Elf, which was available at Big Lots, has swept TikTok with its horny tongue action. The product description reads, “Giggle all the way with this festive Christmas elf doll! Press the button on his foot and watch Santa’s silly helper play peek-a-boo. He sticks out his tongue and shares holiday phrases, making him perfect for an entryway or fireplace hearth display.

I think I’ll pass. And now that the holiday season is over, surely we’ll be safe from tongue-wagging toys and decorations right? THINK AGAIN!

Walmart is now traumatizing us just in time for Valentine’s Day with the Little Nom Nom Valentine’s Lemur with Red Lollipop from Way to Celebrate. The Lemur (first off, why is it a lemur?) holds a lollipop while playing Lil Wayne’s 2008 song “Lollipop” and aggressively gyrating its tongue. WHY SO AGGRESSIVE?! While researching this, I discovered that lemurs have TWO tongues! Who knew?!

The Lemur isn’t alone: he’s joined by a cow dancing to the Kelis hit “Milkshake”, a deranged dog that plays Nicki Minaj’s ‘Super Freaky Girl”, and a western horse playing “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” Again I ask, who is this for?

Valentine’s Day gifts usually fall into two categories: schmoopy or sexy. Schmoopy is flowers, silly cards, and balloons. Sexy is chocolate, booze, and adult toys. But get you a gift that can do both, I guess?

Tune in for Christmas 2024, when my front lawn will feature two Home Depot skeletons vigorously 69ing each other.

(featured image: Sony Interactive Entertainment, Remix by Ana Valens)