Our Completely Unfounded Picks for Tonight’s Oscars

Because we weren't deterred by our almost-completely incorrect Golden Globes predictions!
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The Oscars are tonight, and though we’re all desperately curious to see if Jennifer Lawrence will trip over her dress again, we also have some thoughts about who should take home those coveted golden statues. Yeah, so our reasoning isn’t exactly based in hard science, but we like what we like, and nerds never have a shortage of opinions on films.

So without any further adieu, here are our picks (bolded) for the 2014 Oscars.

Best Picture

American Hustle

Captain Phillips

Dallas Buyers Club

Gravity – Space, guys! Space movie! Best picture! C’mon!

Her

Nebraska

Philomena

12 Years a Slave

The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Christian Bale (American Hustle)

Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Leonado DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave) – Remember when he was the Operative in Serenity?

Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Sandra Bullock (Gravity) – Have you seen how hard it was for her to be in fake space for this whole film? I mean seriously.

Judi Dench (Philomena)

Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Bradley Cooper (American Hustle) – Because how hilarious would it be if Rocket Raccoon won an Oscar?

Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave)

Jonah Hill (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)

Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave)

Julia Roberts (August: Osage County)

June Squibb (Nebraska) – Because magicless Squibs get a bad rap.

Best Animated Feature

The Croods

Despicable Me 2

Ernest & Celestine

FrozenIf it doesn’t win we aren’t going to be able to let it go.

The Wind Rises

Best Directing

David O. Russell (American Hustle)

Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity) – It’s a space movie and he directed a Harry Potter. 

Alexander Payne (Nebraska)

Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave)

Martin Scorsese (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Best Animated Short Film

Feral

Get a Horse! – Because director Lauren MacMullan is the first and only woman ever to have fully solo-directed a Disney animated film.

Mr. Hublot

Possessions

Room on the Broom

Best Original Song

Happy (Despicable Me 2)

Let It Go (Frozen) – Sorry everyone else, but bow down to Queen Idina.

The Moon Song (Her)

Ordinary Love (Mandela)

Best Visual Effects

Gravity

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – CumberSmaug!

Iron Man 3

The Lone Ranger

Star Trek Into Darkness

Best Adapted Screenplay

Before Midnight

Captain Phillips

PhilomenaSteve Coogan, guys. He’s pretty great.

12 Years a Slave

The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Original Screenplay

American Hustle

Blue Jasmine

Dallas Buyers Club

HerOkay, but who here doesn’t have an unhealthy relationship with their smartphone?

Nebraska

Best Cinematography

The Grandmaster

Gravity

Inside Llweyn Davis

Nebraska – It was all in black and white, so we’re running with this one.

Prisoners 

Best Costume Design

American Hustle

The Grandmaster

The Great Gatsby

The Invisible Woman – We’re pretending this is about Sue Storm.

12 Years a Slave

Best Documentary Feature

The Act of Killing

Cutie and the Boxer

Dirty Wars

The Square

20 Feet from StardomBecause who doesn’t want to be a back-up singer?

Best Documentary Short

CaveDigger

Facing Fear

Karama Has No Walls

The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My LifeLook, we haven’t seen any of these (have you?), but we do hope music can save lives.

Prison Terminal: The Last Days of Private Jack Hall

Best Film Editing

American Hustle

Captain Phillips

Dallas Buyers Club

GravitySpace!

12 Years a Slave

Best Foreign Language Film

Canada wasn’t nominated this year, and with two Canadians on staff we are picking none in protest.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Dallas Buyers Club – Well we sure weren’t picking Jackass or The Lone Ranger, so…

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

The Lone Ranger

Best Original Score

John Williams (The Book Thief)

Steven Price (Gravity)

William Butler & Owen Pallett (Her)

Alexandre Desplat (Philomena) – We’ve loved him since he scored Harry Potter.

Thomas Newman (Saving Mr. Banks)

Best Production Design

American HustleWe were really feeling the ’70s, for a minute there – and that’s tough to accomplish.

Gravity

The Great Gatsby

Her

12 Years a Slave

Best Live Action Short Film

Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn’t Me) – Because Shaggy.

Avant Que De Tour Perdre (Just Before Losing Everything)

Helium

Pitääkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Take Care of Everything?)

The Voorman Problem

Best Sound Editing

All Is Lost

Captain Phillips

Gravity

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – I think it’s probably not okay to be as aroused by a dragon voice as some of us were (okay, just Sam).

Lone Survivor

Best Sound Mixing

Captain Phillips

Gravity

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – See above.

Inside Llewyn Davis

Lone Survivor

(via The Oscars, image via Rachel)

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Sam Maggs
Sam Maggs is a writer and televisioner, currently hailing from the Kingdom of the North (Toronto). Her first book, THE FANGIRL'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY will be out soon from Quirk Books. Sam’s parents saw Star Wars: A New Hope 24 times when it first came out, so none of this is really her fault.