Pablo Escabar’s Hippos Are Finally Getting Sterilized

The only thing more terrifying than a bunch of hippopotamuses is when they are an invasive species in your country. No one wants a run-in with a murder-cow, and thanks to Pablo Escobar, Colombia has had a pesky hippo problem for far too long. However, that’s about to change.

You’ll recall Escobar was one of the most prolific and financially successful drug dealers in the entire world, until he wasn’t, and died in a police shootout in 1992. At one point, this man had so much money that he was reportedly spending $2,500 a month just on rubber bands to hold the stacks of paper money together. It’s estimated at one point, he was making $420 million a week. In short, he had hippo money.

So what’s a man to do when he has hippo money? Why, import some hippos over to Colombia, of course. Whether Escobar knew how angry and surly these terrible creatures are, I don’t know. However, once he got them over to Colombia, they soon did what all hippos do, which is simply not give a f***. They left Escobar’s estate and went wherever their evil, murderous hearts wanted them to go through the great land of Colombia.

Escobar has been dead for over 30 years, and the invasive hippo population of Colombia (mental note, great name for a band) has ballooned to over 100 of them. Now, the Colombian government is stepping in and sterilizing the hippos to stop their growth at a great cost to the taxpayers. However, I speak on authority; letting an invasive hippo population get out of control in your country comes at an even greater cost.

Per Sky News:

The government plans to sterilise 40 hippos a year, transfer others to different countries, and may euthanise some of the animals.

The hippos have no natural predators in Colombia and have been declared an invasive species that could upset the ecosystem.

[…]

When the plan was first announced, the environment ministry said each sterilisation costs about $9,800, and involves risks for the hippopotamus, including allergic reactions to anesthesia or death – along with dangers for the animal health personnel involved.

You may be wondering why I’m coming so hard for those weird-looking creatures that are oddly adorable. Friends, hippos are the deadliest large land mammal on the planet. According to Discover Wildlife, hippos kill 500 people a year in Africa. You know how you’ve spent your entire life secretly afraid of a bear attack? Well, there’s only one fatal bear attack a year in the United States. Compare that to the hippos, and, well, I think you see why they are such a threat.

Here’s another terrifying hippo fact: They don’t swim, even though they spend a lot of time in the water. No, they simply sink to the bottom of a body of water, and then run at enormous speed along the bottom until their hate, or air, runs out and they must surface to wreak whatever havoc they feel like. Imagine you’re there trying to cross a river and bam! A hippo surfaces and just ruins your day (or life.) This is what they do.

In case you haven’t realized this yet, hippos are incredibly aggressive, territorial, and weigh in the thousands of pounds. They kinda, sorta have predators in Africa, their natural habitat, and by that I mean that lions, Nile crocodiles, and roving packs of hyenas have been observed to occasionally take one down. Occassionally. It’s far from a sure thing when they attack. I strongly support the Colombian government opting for sterilization instead of importing lions, crocs, and roving packs of hyenas, even if there’s a certain hilarity to that idea. Good thing there are grownups in charge of this project, and not agents of chaos like yours truly.

So with all of this in mind, it is with fear in my heart, and certainty in my soul that I believe the Colombian government must do what is within its powers to stop the spread of hippos in Colombia before they get too comfortable in the country, and then the continent. We must keep these murderous aggressors confined to their own natural habitat, and I beg any future would-be hippo owners out there to consider the strong possibility that they will die by their own hippo’s hand murderous gaping jaw with enormous bite power and razor-sharp teeth if they ever bring one into their home.

Also, good luck to the Colombian officials out there sterilizing the hippos. They will absolutely need it.

(Photo by Warren Little/Getty Images)