Reading ‘Polysecure’? You Need To Watch ’90 Day Fiancé’ at the Same Time.

If you’ve read Polysecure like many other Americans in recent years, you know there are different types of attachments we adapt throughout our lives based on our earliest relationships and circumstances. Find out why 90 Day Fiancé is the perfect TV series to pair with this popular and helpful nonfiction book.

Polysecure and Attachment Theory

It’s going to be the summer of the book Polysecure if my local New England queer community and the 700,000 TikTok views about the book are any indication. This nonfiction book by psychotherapist Jessica Fern covers relationships with others and oneself in the world, and how we form attachments of many types. The book is billed as being about ethical non-monogamy, also referred to as polyamory, a romantic relationship approach that many American queer relationships have found themselves experimenting with. The foundation that Fern lays in order to take the reader into a space where it is comfortable to explore the ideas behind non-monogamy is based in something called attachment theory.

Attachment theory posits that our responses as adult humans in romantic relationships are based on how our attachments developed when we were babies—specifically, how we responded, as babies, to our parents, mentors, or guardians’ behavior towards us before we could verbally articulate our emotions and needs with words. There are secure attachment styles that help cultivate healthy adult relationships, and insecure attachment styles that make it harder to sustain a relationship through open communication and asking for what we need. The book itself is a good dive into these insecure attachment styles, but what if we could see it in action?

90 Day Fiancé is full of case studies

Thankfully, we can see insecure attachment styles in action, because 90 Day Fiancé is chock full of what are basically living case studies of these attachments. Wondering what a preoccupied attachment style looks like? Look no further than Mary on 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way in season 5. Her preoccupied style has Brandan unable to even turn his head in church for fear he might glance at another woman. How about avoidant attachment style adaptation? That would be Rob from 90 DF season 11, when he thought giving his wife a chore list would be romantic. That’s not romantic, Rob. That’s distant and rigid.

Jasmine, from the same season, is a perfect study in disorganized attachment style examples as she has a meltdown nearly every time a challenge appears in her marriage. If her husband Gino disagrees with her or makes a mistake, all of her trust goes out the door. Last but not least, if you’re after a study in reactive attachment, just look for any of the seasons featuring Michael and Angela. I’m pretty sure Michael is the most detached I’ve ever seen an engaged man. 90 DF is full of humanity, and its couples are great examples of insecure attachment styles. There are far more couples than the ones mentioned above that are repeated examples of what not to do when you’re dating. And don’t ask me about secure attachment styles; they don’t make for great reality TV!

(featured image: IPG)