Surprise! As It Turns Out, Rebel Wilson Is Actually Who-the-Hell-Cares-How-Old

For the past few days, everyone has been very concerned with digging into the actual age of Rebel Wilson after news broke that she might not be the 29-year-old actor we thought and actually a 35-year-old illuminati lizard person destroying us all with her lies! We can only assume that upon hearing the confirmation that she’s actually 35, the Pitch Perfect 2 star collapsed into a pile of dust due to her exceedingly advanced age—and that’s not all! Some think she’s even lying about her name! She’s been known to go by aliases like “Fat Amy,” “Tilly,” “Rocky,” and “Becky”—just to name a few! Where will the lies end?

Facetiousness aside, who can blame Wilson for claiming to be younger than she is, when fellow actor Maggie Gyllenhaal, at 37, is apparently so old that Hollywood is about to Logan’s Run her—wait, did I say facetiousness aside? Oops. They actually just think Gyllenhaal is too old to play the love interest of a 55-year-old man. Fun fact! That’s almost the exact same age difference as the one between Scarlett Johansson and Mark Ruffalo (17 years), but Ruffalo is only 47, so I guess whatever demon bestows the apparent agelessness on male actors requires them to be paired with younger and younger actresses as they age to feed its power.

Seriously, if the movie industry is going to continue judging women incredibly unfairly on a generally meaningless number, lying about it is a completely understandable and easy solution. Wilson is still the exact same person she was before this information came to light, and she probably avoided a bit of ageism this way. Literally nothing has changed, and it’s sad that everyone seems to concerned about it.

For her part, Wilson responded by giving 0 f***s, as she should:

OMG I’m actually a 100 year old mermaid formerly known as “CC Chalice” ….thanks shady Australian press for your tall poppy syndrome x

— Rebel Wilson (@RebelWilson) May 18, 2015

Okay but all jokes aside now…my real name is Fat Patricia x

— Rebel Wilson (@RebelWilson) May 18, 2015

Whatever. I’m like 95% sure that Interview With the Vampire was actually a documentary, and Tom Cruise has been undead for hundreds of years while sustaining his youth with the blood of the living—and no one seems to mind. I think we can all acknowledge that Rebel Wilson’s age doesn’t change a thing and move on.

(via The Guardian)

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