Sharks Can Walk on Land Now? BYE.

My biggest fear in this world is seeing a shark out in the wild. For the most part, I’m fine because I barely go into the ocean, because that is a shark’s house, and if he bit me, oh well. Now though, these creatures are coming into my territory thanks to evolution, and to that I say “NOPE.”

Shark Week is, for the most part, the worst time of the year for someone like me. Commercials are filled with sharks swimming around with their retractable teeth and black, dead eyes, and I’m constantly on the edge of my seat in fear that a shark is going to just appear and I’m gong to have to go make sure my make-up didn’t run because I started crying. It’s rough, and everyone should feel sorry for me. There’s no snake week or dark week because you’re afraid of the dark. But they have Shark Week just to torment me. (I am younger than Shark Week, but I’m still claiming this as an attack on me.)

Normally, the week ends and I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I have freedom for the next 51 weeks. And yet, this time, Shark Week left me with a horrific future that would ruin my ever waking moment. Again, my joy came from knowing that a shark couldn’t get me in a pool or in my shower. I could be in a body of water in peace. And then Shark Week showed a new shark that has fins that were “made for walking” and ruined my entire existence.

Here’s a longer video on these sharks’ unique abilities that features a lot more walking:

Stay in your lane, sharks

These little “fast-evolving” marvels are called epaulette sharks, and while they’re seemingly harmless to humans, that doesn’t mean I like them! The discovery found that they can use their fins to help them move on land, and thus, my new nightmare began. This evolutionary trick began because they’d forage for food in hard to escape areas and then need to find a way to climb out, and now they’re land sharks and I’m probably being dramatic about this but if they are fast-evolving, who’s to say that they can’t suddenly breathe air and just pitter patter their way around the world searching for something to eat.

I suppose I should also have a fear of alligators and crocodiles, but I do not—not like I have a fear of sharks. Because I don’t put myself in the way of where an alligator or a crocodile wants to be. I stay away, and I gave that same honor to sharks before they suddenly figured out how legs work and now are forcing me into the possibility of seeing them at the mall.

I hope that, by the time sharks are hanging out in the parks and at movie theaters, I am gone from this world, but if this new evolution of the epaulette sharks just keeps on trucking and we have sharks walking around in our everyday lives, I will be confining myself to my apartment and never leaving because I do not need a real-life encounter with a shark, thanks.

(featured image: Pixar)