‘Shōgun’ Is Fantastic & It Also Makes Me So Happy I Don’t Live in the 1600s

If you’re not watching Shōgun on FX (or Hulu if you’re nasty), you’re missing out. It’s basically Game of Thrones set in feudal Japan, but instead of dragons, there are Portuguese merchants, and some English guys thrown in for good measure, too. This show has it all, and by that, I mean sex, violence, and intrigue—basically the holy trifecta.

However, even though 2024 seems like a post-capitalistic hellscape where every month breaks climate records and we have an enemy of the state as the Republican nominee for president this year, period pieces like Shōgun always make me ask myself: Would I want to live during this time? Invariably, the answer is no.

Spoilers for Shōgun below.

First and foremost, I gauge my life by two steadfast quality-of-life indicators: the availability of Diet Coke and indoor plumbing with flushing toilets. Since my beloved brown-sludge chemical water was invented in 1982, that basically taps me out for everything but re-living the Reagan era. (Perish the thought.) Shōgun obviously doesn’t have either since the modern toilet was invented in 1775.

These are not the only reasons why living in the time of Shōgun would kind of suck, though. Can you imagine going about your daily routine, getting your chores done, taking care of your kids, and all of a sudden, your husband comes home and says, “Babe, had a bad day at the office and lost my cool, and now I have to die by ritual suicide to make it right, and oh by the way, I also volunteered our kids for that, too.”

Now, after some light Googling, I was reassured that seppuku, a ritualistic suicide enacted by samurai in order to maintain their and their family’s honor, was most likely only limited to the actual samurai and not their children as depicted in episode 1 the series. That really only adds insult to injury that Tadayoshi decided to double down and volunteer his infant for the act, too. Boo to that man. Boo!

Then there’s the Portuguese and English with their own shenanigans. They’re dying over a trade war as if this is Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Living in 2024, I think we all take for granted how horrendous sea travel can be and just how long it would take to go anywhere in a wooden boat that could fall apart in the middle of the ocean at any point because reliable weather forecasting simply is not a thing yet. Bad weather that delays your journey?? Sucks to be you, you’re gonna die of starvation and/or thirst! Also, I think we all take for granted that if you have the money, you can basically be anywhere in the world in 24 hours. The absolute richest person in the Shōgun world could not dream of that possibility. Also, the richer you are, the more targets you have on your back. That’s not great, either!

You know what else you don’t have in the 1600s? Your translation app. You know what languages have little to absolutely nothing in common with each other? Portuguese, English, and Japanese. Mad respect to the characters who are translators in this show because their brains had to make connections in their language center I absolutely know my grey matter mush could not.

Also, this is a personal thing, but horses freak me out. They’re too big, and I’ve been bitten by one in the past, so that’s a hard pass for me. Guess I have to walk everywhere in 1600.

There is one thing that would draw me to 1600s Shōgun world, it’s the food. (Also having a pet falcon with a little hat like Lord Toranaga has, but really there’s nothing holding me back from having that now, except the terms of my rental agreement.) It looks really good in every episode, and because the 2003 classic movie Timeline rotted my brain, I genuinely believe I’m just one archeological adventure away from time travel myself, so I think it’s good to run over the pros and cons of every time era. However, the 1600s, no matter where, is not my ideal time, so I think I’ll stay in 2024 for now, please and thank you.

(Featured Image: FX)