Tonight’s State of the Union Will Go Down Easier With This Drinking Game

You probably don’t need an elected official to tell you that the state of this country is embarrassing at best, which is exactly what President Joe Biden won’t do when he throws some polish on the turd that is our democracy in tonight’s State of the Union address. If you plan on tuning in, we’ve put together a drinking game to help you get through it.

With Super Tuesday in the rearview, Biden has basically secured the Democratic party nomination and will once again run against Donald Trump in November’s presidential election. Is it too soon to start self-medicating? No, but you might want to save at least some of your juice for the fall. In the meantime, President Biden will deliver a live State of the Union address in front of a joint session of Congress on Thursday night (that’s tonight) at 9PM EST, and 6PM PST.

If gallows humor is also your preferred coping mechanism (I truly can’t imagine living any other way), feel free to join our State of the Union drinking game. And if you don’t drink alcohol, you can always substitute with a tasty non-alcoholic beverage (see how fast you can make yourself pee so you don’t have to listen to this old man yap about the border!), or perhaps something infused with THC (the sparkling waters are very advanced these days). You could also load a bowl with some weed or roll up a joint. I don’t care what you do, just have fun.

Drink every time …

Biden holds abortion rights hostage for our vote

This is a big one, if not the biggest one. In the lead-up to the 2020 election, Biden promised to codify Roe v. Wade, ensuring continuing access to abortion—an imperative form of healthcare—at the federal level. Then the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade in 2022, making it even harder for Americans to obtain abortions for literally any reason, and easier for states to ban the procedure. Abortion is now effectively illegal in 14 states. And Biden just kind of, like, shrugged about it?!

Now that he’s running for re-election, Biden has begun trotting abortion rights out again. You know he’s for real because Vice President Kamala Harris, whose whereabouts are typically unknown, is SPEAKING in PUBLIC. Joke’s on everyone because the majority of people on the left side of the aisle are already voting for Biden; we essentially have no other choice. The options are a deranged fascist idiot clown or Biden.

Biden says “urgent”

According to White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients, the secret word in tonight’s State of the Union is “urgency.” Zients told NPR that Biden will address the urgency of passing the $118 billion national security supplemental agreement, which includes financial support for Ukraine and Israel and provides American border security with resources. “Urgent” is repeated throughout NPR’s preview of tonight’s SOTU address, so it’s safe to assume that this is the word we’ll be hearing most often from Biden.

Biden misuses the word “ceasefire”

Vice President Harris has also been enlisted to promote Biden’s idea of a ceasefire in Gaza—which is not actually a ceasefire, but a six-week “pause” to prevent Israel’s military, under the orders of a far-right government, from killing any more civilians. More than 30,000 Palestinians have been killed by the Israeli military in response to the October 7 terrorist attack carried out by Hamas, which killed nearly 1200 people in Israel; an additional 240 people were taken hostage from Israel, and the government claims that Hamas still has about 100 hostages. The majority of Americans are in favor of a ceasefire, while most do not approve of the U.S. government’s continued support of Israel’s military, which includes billions of dollars in funding and weapons access.

A temporary ceasefire is not a ceasefire. The people of Gaza are experiencing a humanitarian crisis. Children are dying of malnutrition and starvation. Bombing by Israel’s military has reduced the number of hospitals in Gaza from 36 to 12, all of which are only partially functional.

Just remember: every time Biden says “ceasefire,” what he actually means is a temporary pause in the ongoing slaughter of Palestinians. Also, have a drink.

Biden mentions Trump

I mean, this one is self-explanatory. Who among us doesn’t feel the urge to self-soothe at the mere mention of this ghoul’s name? Drink up, babies.

When to chug

Biden recycles his “Roe got it right” bit

As Kylie Cheung pointed out in a recent article over at the newly resurrected Jezebel (long may she prosper), Biden has a go-to bit he likes to repeat when discussing abortion rights, and it goes a little something like this: “I’m a practicing Catholic. I’m not big on abortion. But guess what? Roe v. Wade got it right.” Cheung does a great job breaking down everything wrong with this oft-repeated statement, including that the majority of Catholics in a 2020 poll supported access to abortion. Every time Biden repeats some version of this folksy appeal to reasonable Americans, a libertarian gets his wings.

Mike Johnson is compelled to clap

Mike Johnson, the Republican congressman who just replaced the pale husk of Mitch McConnell as House Speaker, will also be present during tonight’s State of the Union. He’ll be seated behind Biden along with Vice President Harris, which means he’ll have no choice but to adhere to decorum by politely applauding against his will. What a treat.

Republican heckling

Speaking of decorum, Johnson apparently counseled his Republican goblins to keep things civil during the State of the Union. “We don’t need to be shrill,” Johnson reportedly said. And maybe they don’t need to be shrill, but I will definitely be using my shrillest, most haggiest voice when shrieking into yon void upon the conclusion of this address.

Good night, and good luck.

(featured image: Anna Moneymaker, Getty Images / Illustration by The Mary Sue)