‘Superman: Legacy’ Is Coming Out, But I’m Still Trying To Figure Out Why I’ve Never Seen Him and Clark Kent in the Same Room.

I’ve been at the Daily Planet for 40 years now, working my way up from the mailroom to a corner office. I’ve seen wars. I’ve seen political scandals. I’ve seen riots, rocket launches, and scores of interns leaving this place in tears after figuring out they couldn’t hack it. But never—not even once in my decorated journalistic career—have I ever seen Clark Kent and Superman in the same damn room.

I had a hunch for a while that Superman was none other than Hollywood bigshot actor Henry Cavill. After all, he looks so much like the guy that it made fans of the franchise angry. I even had one of my interns comb through every Superman movie ever made in case it turns out a different Hollywood actor is actually the Man of Steel himself.

Nothing. Zilch. Bupkis. I’m no closer to finding Superman now than I was 40 years ago. But I think I have a new lead with Superman: Legacy.

When is Superman: Legacy coming out?

This is it. If I can’t nail who Superman is when Superman: Legacy comes out, then I’m throwing in the towel. I’m hanging up my hat. I’m throwing my typewriter out of the 30th story window. I’ve got two years to work out the details of the story. According to DC Studios co-CEOs James Gunn and Peter Safran, the movie’s gonna come out July 11, 2025. That day will be a day that lives in infamy. A day where I either unmask (figuratively, I know he doesn’t wear one) Superman, or quit journalism forever.

According to Gunn, the new movie gonna kick off an entirely new DC Universe called Gods and Monsters. My career will either survive the transition, or go the way of the dodo in this New Era. Which is also the way of Henry Cavill’s, considering that DC isn’t planning on bringing the actor back for the role. We don’t know who’s gonna play Superman this time around, but at least that means I can cross The Witcher off my suspect list for good.

Times to get down to brass tacks here … my first objective is to interview James Gunn. He’s writing and directing the film. He might have an idea as to how I can catch Clark Kent in the act, ripping off his collared shirt in a conveniently placed phonebooth.

What’s Superman: Legacy about? It won’t be an origin story.

We all know the tired old story I’m talking about. Superman flees from Krypton as a baby and gets rescued in a cornfield by some kindly Midwesterners, yadda yadda yadda, American Dream metaphor. I’ve heard it before. I don’t care where the guy came from, we all know. I wanna know who he is NOW. What’s he doing for a living? Obviously saving the world doesn’t pay the bills if Superman doesn’t have a bank account. And who would be writing the check? The world? The Earth can’t AFFORD IT.

No, no, no. According to DC Studios co-CEO Peter Safran, we’re done with that story. “It focuses on Superman balancing his Kryptonian heritage with his human upbringing,” Safran said during a recent press event. “Superman represents truth, justice, and the American way. He is kindness in a world that thinks of kindness as old-fashioned.” And if there’s anyone I know who’s old fashioned, it’s Kent. I mean, the guy would stand holding the office door open for the secretaries ALL DAY if he wasn’t on the clock. He’s sweet. Too sweet. More sugar than coffee, if you catch my drift.

But apparently, this story is gonna shy away from the good vs. evil dichotomy.

“We want to take it away from good guy versus bad guy,” said Gunn during the press event. “And there’s all sorts of really, really almost saintly people. Superman is among them.” Oh yeah, we know. “There’s really terrible villains like Gorilla Grodd or Joker, and then there’s everybody in between. And so there’s all these shades of grey of these different types of characters, which allows us to tell more complex storytelling.”

Well, he’s right. This story is complex. It’s kept me laying awake 365 nights out of the year. But I swear I’ll get to the bottom of it faster than a speeding bullet or whatever they say. And the moral ambiguity of this story is also responsible for giving it the most morally ambiguous of all movie ratings: PG-13. Is Superman: Legacy for kids? It it for adults? If I remember correctly, they’re technically allowed to drop an F-bomb one time. But are they gonna do it? And if so, who’s gonna say it? Smart money’s on Gorilla Grodd.

Who is going to direct Superman Legacy?

My sources tell me (and by “sources” I mean this newspaper clipping that I found on the ground) that the esteemed James Gunn is gonna take the directorial reins on Superman: Legacy. You may remember his work from a little film called Guardians of the Galaxy. Now he’s gone over to the DC side to pull their extended universe out of the muck. He’s a smart guy. Capable. Got a lot of moxie. I bet he knows why Clark Kent and Superman have never been seen in the same room.

Who’s who in the Superman: Legacy cast?

According to my journalistic colleagues at Vanity Fair, the cast of this little number is gonna be stacked. Stacked higher than the pancakes down at Debbie’s All Night Diner on Fifth, where I often go to puzzle over the Kent problem over some fluffy flapjacks. David Corenswet from The Politician is playing Clark Kent. Skyler Gisondo from HBO’s The Righteous Gemstones will play Clark Kent’s best friend Jimmy Olsen (a good lead for solving the “Kent Conundrum”). Isabela Merced, who played the drug dealer’s daughter in Sicario: Day of the Soldado, will play Hawkgirl. Edi Gathegi from the Twilight series will play Mister Terrific. Nathan Fillion from Firefly and every other nerd-approved series will portray a member of the Green Lantern Corps. We don’t know which Green Lantern. Could be Hal Jordan. Could be that giant talking planet guy. We just don’t know. As for Superman? I’m still in the dark. Maybe David Corenswet would know? I’ll make a note to ask him.

But how are Superman and Clark Kent never in the same room?

Gunn describes Superman thusly: “He’s working. He’s a reporter. He’s at the Daily Planet.”

It’s not quite the same as finding the smoking gun, but I certainly heard the shot and smelled the powder.

Of course. OF COURSE. I knew it! He’s been right under my nose this whole time. That mealy mouthed little Kent boy with the loopy-loop hair and the perfect jawline. How did I never see it before? It has to be him! Who else could it be? Steve from accounting? Steve couldn’t punch his way through a wet newspaper. I know that for a FACT. I saw him try and fail at the office Christmas party.

It’s Kent, it’s always been Kent. And we’ve all been FOOLED by those Ray Bans he wears. He’s the one with the glasses, but WE’RE the ones who have been blind this whole time. Oh the irony, the delicious irony.

Now all I have to do is prove it … I’m going to go hide in the office bathroom with a disposable camera and have one of the interns tell Kent that a kitten ran up a tree. When he goes into the bathroom to change into his spandex, BAM. GOT HIM.

(featured image: DC Comics)