Hollywood Is Threatening to Make a Movie About the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Annnnnnd … that was that. Hollywood ran out of ideas. And the only thing it’s coming up with is a movie based on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Seriously, they were so serious about this that it made it into the press where people might find out about it, read about it, and digest it with their precious brains. Apparently, Macy’s is “always looking for the next Miracle on 34th Street” and wants to turn the parade into “a four-quadrant, family-friendly film somewhere in that Night At The Museum, Elf sweet spot.” Yeah. I like all three of those movies. Please, let me speak on behalf of all moviegoers when I say that no one wants these movies to mate. Everyone involved will wake up dirty, regretful, and thinking they were so much better off as just friends.

For starters, bringing beloved inanimate objects to life has already happened three times in the form of Toy Story, Toy Story 2, and Toy Story 3. So, right off the bat, producers, you’re going to try to compete with that? Besides, the premise of the Toy Story movies is based on something kids actually wonder about — what happens when the toys they play with are left alone? What kinds of adventures do they have? Do they like me as much as I like them? (Maybe not all kids. Maybe just some of us special kids … anyway …) But here’s the equation: Kids create adventure scenarios with toys. Toys have adventure scenarios without kids. What do parade floats do? They FLOAT. They are pulled by strings, which are held by able-bodied adults. How are we translating this into a plot? The only thing I can think of is a horror movie, since so many things go horribly wrong when parade floats venture away from the aforementioned able-bodied adults.

As for Night At the Museum, aside from statues, the things that came to life were either 1. formerly alive or 2. replicas of things that were formerly alive. So it makes sense to wonder what would happen if they were living and what would happen if they all got together.

Parade floats are not just fictional characters, but they’re facsimiles of fictional characters. That are huge, filled with helium, and pulled down the streets of New York City. When they’re done, they’re deflated. No one is wondering what they’re doing in their spare time. Trust me. They barely qualify as anthropomorphic enough to animate. Besides the licensing issues, there is that whole thing about no one caring about parade floats for more than two hours a year. If people are so interested in the characters, just use the freaking characters.

But here’s what really kills me — the idea of finding “the next Miracle on 34th Street.” The original Miracle on 34th Street is an Oscar-nominated classic that featured one of the best strong female characters of its time. Maureen O’Hara‘s character was a successful single mother who spoke fluent French and ran the entire Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Doris Walker was The Boss. And while she may have robbed her daughter of her imagination (until she met Santa and came to believe he was real — after it was proven in court), Doris was rational, tough-as-nails, and a role model. She was like a more motherly version of Temperance Brennan. She was groundbreaking and unique, and that can’t be replicated. (Unsuccessful remake notwithstanding.)

People need to stop finding the Next Version of Something and make a New Something. I am 100% in favor of a new Christmas classic, but there will never be another Miracle.