A Guide to the Many Lies of George Santos

If you haven’t heard of George Santos, buckle up, because you’re entering a world of glorious political chaos.

Want the SparkNotes version? George Santos is a newly elected Republican politician who was discovered to have lied about literally everything. Nearly every aspect of his life was fabricated. Where he went to school, his work history, his heritage—everything. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. After his lies came to light, the New York GOP began calling for his immediate resignation. Santos had been in office for less than a week. Glorious, I tell you. Glorious.

It’s also starting to get ugly. Real ugly. Ready or not, here we go.

Who the ^%&* is George Santos?

According to his (newly rewritten) online biography, George Santos is a 34-year-old gay Republican from New York. He was born in Queens, and he claims that his grandparents “fled Jewish persecution in Ukraine, settled in Belgium, and again fled persecution during WWII” before settling in Brazil. His Brazilian-born parents eventually immigrated to the U.S. “in search of the American dream.”

Lie #1. Multiple news outlets investigated this, and couldn’t find any evidence that Santos’s grandparents left Ukraine in order to escape the Nazis.

Santos then claims to have been educated at Baruch College in New York City (Lie #2. The college has no record of him ever attending) before becoming a “seasoned Wall Street financier and investor” at Goldman Sachs and Citigroup (Lie #3. Goldman Sachs and Citigroup also have no record of him ever being employed there).

An apparent lover of tragedy, Santos also claims on his website that his mother was “in the south tower” on &^%*ing 9/11 and that she miraculously survived the attack, only to die a few years later. Lie #4. His mother died in 2016. This man ALSO said that he had “friends” who died in the Pulse Nightclub shooting and that right there is sketchy-ass Lie #5.

The only accomplishment I can find that isn’t a bald-faced lie is that Santos is the first openly gay Republican to win a seat in the House of Representatives as a non-incumbent. THAT’S IT. And maybe this would be an achievement for the LGBTQ community if it wasn’t so SOILED WITH FALSEHOODS. Look, I don’t really give a shit that he lied about Goldman Sachs or whatever. It was an asinine decision, and he was bound to get caught. I do, however, take offense to his lying about national tragedies to garner public sympathy. Boo, hiss.

Santos also doesn’t appear to be against using smaller tragedies to his advantage. One Twitter user reports that Santos created a GoFundMe to help a disabled veteran pay for his dog to have a life-threatening tumor removed. Apparently that didn’t happen. Santos took the $3,000 raised and dipped, leaving the dog to die.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Wait, there’s more: The New York congressman allegedly used a Jewish pseudonym on a GoFundMe page for “Friends of Pets United.” Why? According to a former roommate, Santos said, “the Jews will give more” to another Jewish person.

Oh, and guess what? Remember how I said that he’s the first openly gay Republican to yadda yadda yadda? Well, even THAT may be a lie! According to the Daily Beast, Santos may have actually gotten divorced from a woman in 2019. Listen, just because he was married to a woman doesn’t mean that he isn’t gay. There are plenty of gay people who have married and divorced a person of the opposite sex. But with this dude’s track record I really wouldn’t be surprised if he was claiming to be gay in order to Jennifer Garner even MORE sympathy and support. At this point, I’m expecting Santos to say that he was also abducted by aliens as a child, and wrote the formula for the cure for cancer on a bar napkin, which he then lost on a “wild night out.”

So what happens to Santos now?

Well, Republicans have hit the roof. And Democrats ain’t too happy, either. There are calls from both sides of the aisle for this guy to resign. But has it happened yet? Nope! Will it? Maybe. After all, the scandals keep piling up. Santos already admitted to the Post that he lied about his “Jewish heritage” and his faith. He also admitted to “embellishing his resume,” and even apologized for it. But it’s not really “embellishing” if NONE OF IT WAS TRUE, is it? You can’t polish a turd, right? Same rule applies for bullshit.

He’s also currently under fire from the wealthy Republicans who donated to his political campaign. These Republicans claim that they were “duped” by Santos after being convinced that he was an experienced Wall Street financier. Listen, there are things in this world much worse than tricking some old rich people out of their money, but it’s still technically wrong. I will admit that the way he did it was diabolically impressive. Santos had a man named Sam Miele call up these people and claim that he was Dan Meyer, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s chief of staff. It’s slightly ingenious. Or just so unscrupulous that it masquerades as fiendish intelligence. I guess you don’t really have to be all that smart to lie, you just have to be committed.

Meanwhile, in Brazil (I can’t believe I’m writing this), authorities confirmed that they intend to revive fraud charges against Santos for allegedly stealing a checkbook in 2008 and spending around $700 in the city of Niterói using a false name. The case had been suspended because Brazilian authorities couldn’t find Santos, but considering that he’s all over the news, they definitely know where he is now.

There’s now way this guy is going to stay in office, right?

One would think. But one would think a lot of things. One might think that Santos would consider the jig to be up and try to back away gracefully into the bushes. But that doesn’t appear to be the case. Santos is still in office, and while he seems contrite about what he considers to be a few “embellishments” here and there, it’s possible that he will continue to hold office in spite of it all. And why not? After all, he’s made history. Politico reports that the congressman has “pioneered a new category of political scandal.” All politicians lie about some things, but he’s the first politician to lie about everything.

Other disgraced politicians have been weighing in on the situation—most notably, Anthony Weiner, whose political career coughed, sputtered, and died on the floor after he accidentally tweeted a sexually explicit photo. Weiner is under the impression that the House Ethics committee will likely force Santos out of Congress whether he chooses to resign or not. At this point, it’s up to George Santos to decide if he wants to go quietly, or with a bang. And if I know ol’ Georgie, I’m gonna guess he’ll choose the latter.

(featured image: Win McNamee, Getty Images)