Raggedy Republicans, Batman! The Trump Administration is assembling a Rogue’s Gallery of its own, and Scarecrow, Bane, and The Joker better start taking notes if they want to compete.
While all the upcoming administration’s picks are dismal, only a select few can ascend to the heights (or descend to the lows) of true comic book villainy. Here they are, the terrible potential members of Trump’s upcoming Cabinet of Cads, ranked from worst to worst.
Susie Wiles – White House Chief of Staff
Historic horrors, Batman! Susie Wiles will be the first woman to hold the office of White House Chief of Staff. It’s a historic nomination, diminished only by the fact that she will be working for a convicted rapist who is actively working to roll back women’s reproductive rights across the nation. Considering that Wiles served as Trump’s campaign co-chair, I don’t think she minds in the slightest. Also considering that she helped him get elected to the nation’s highest office twice, it’s safe to say we can count her among the worst.
Karoline Leavitt – White House Press Secretary
Leavitt be, Batman! Karoline Leavitt has just made history as the youngest person ever named to serve as the White House Press Secretary. Leavitt once said that her democratic political opponents were in support of executing babies in reference to reproductive rights, calling abortion “infanticide.” She has also expressed her support for a law that would compel New Hampshire school officials to out LGBTQ+ students to their families, and frequently parrots common anti-immigrant right-wing talking points.
William McGinley – White House Counsel
Old hats, Batman! This won’t be William McGinley’s first Trump administration rodeo. He previously served as White House Cabinet secretary during Trump’s first term in office. He also once served as a defense attorney for congressman Aaron Schock, who was brought in on corruption charges for spending tax-payer dollars on tickets to sports events and expensive new curtains for his office.
John Ratcliffe – CIA Director
Everloving espionage, Batman! John Ratcliffe has just been named as Trump’s CIA director! What does the intelligence community have to say? Intelligence operatives interviewed by CNN had lukewarm responses to Ratcliffe’s appointment but avoided calling it an all-out disaster. When your highest praise is “could have been a lot worse” and “as good as it was going to get,” maybe you should take that as a sign that you have room to improve, Ratcliffe? Considering that Ratcliffe was one of the most vocal opponents to Trump’s first impeachment, I don’t think we’ll see much improvement any time soon.
Todd Blanche – Deputy Attorney General
Lamentable lawyers, Batman! Todd Blanche served as Trump’s defense attorney in his hush money trial, a case he lost, making Trump the first-ever convicted felon to become the President. Trump has since vowed to appeal the case, meaning Blanche’s work will likely be cut out for him over the next years. While I can’t shame a man for doing his job as a lawyer, I can shame Blanche for doing his job as a lawyer for that guy.
Doug Collins – Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Mishandled morality, Batman! Doug Collins is a military veteran who cast aside notions of honor and decency to defend Trump in his first impeachment hearing. “We must take care of our brave men and women in uniform,” said Trump in response to his pick. As long as they’re loyal to you, right Trump? Collins is also staunchly anti-LGBTQ, and has said he would “strongly support a constitutional amendment defining marriage between one man and one woman.” He was dragged online for a post he made on Twitter in response to Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s death, saying “RIP to the more than 30 million innocent babies that have been murdered during the decades that Ruth Bader Ginsburg defended pro-abortion laws.”
Sergio Gor – Presidential Personnel Office
Remedial reading skills, Batman! Sergio Gor is the cofounder of Donald Trump Jr.’s publishing company Winning Team Publishing, meaning that he’s half the reason why Jr.’s literary dribble is on store shelves. Gor also ran Trump’s Super PAC Right for America, and served as an advisor to Trump during his 2016 presidential campaign. He also helped Trump raise $80 million during his election campaign in 2024, so that’s 80 million reasons why Gor is to be counted among the worst of them.
Linda McMahon – Education Secretary
Garbaged gradeschools, Batman! I thought Trump was planning to dismantle the Department of Education because they “hate our children?” Now it looks like he’s changed his mind! I suppose he changed his tune after finding a candidate like McMahon, who shares similar non-qualifications with the rest of Trump’s Cabinet. A former CEO of the WWE, Linda McMahon is currently battling scandal in her personal life after her husband Vince McMahon was accused of sexual assault by multiple women, most of whom he has attempted to pay off. She also once claimed to have an education degree (she doesn’t) which you would think the Secretary of Education would need!
Matthew Whitaker – U.S. ambassador to NATO
Quaint qualifications, Batman! Before being appointed as the U.S. Ambassador to NATO, Matthew Whitaker served on the advisory board of a company found to have defrauded clients. Before that, he was Trump’s acting attorney general and used his political power to prosecute and persecute the state of Iowa’s first openly gay lawmaker. Before that, he was a football player! Do you see “diplomatic experience” on that resume anywhere? Neither do I!
Chris Wright – Secretary of Energy
Deliberate denials, Batman! Chris Wright is trying to pull a Jedi mind trick on the American populace by claiming “there is no climate crisis.” According to the very government he’s slated to serve, there is. He’s also asserted that there is “no such thing as clean energy or dirty energy.” Could his point of view potentially be skewed by the fact that he’s a fracking magnate with deep financial ties to the fossil fuel industry? I wonder. Jackie Wong, the Senior vice president for climate and energy at the Natural Resources Defense Council called Wright’s nomination “a disastrous mistake.” He also has absolutely zero experience in government, so there’s that too!
Sean Duffy – Transportation Secretary
Regrettable reminiscences, Batman! It’s a big old former reality TV star reunion! Sean Duffy, a cast member from The Real World: Boston who once compared his singular Black female costar to Hitler is slated to serve as the Transportation Secretary! He also happens to be the second former Fox News host assigned to a Trump Cabinet position (the first is the sex offender Secretary of Defense, Pete Hesgeth). In a statement on X, Duffy wrote that he is ready to “usher in a new golden age of transportation.” Mr. Duffy, can you start now and transport yourself as far away from this country as humanly possible?
Doug Burgum – Interior Secretary
Fizzling fossil fuels, Batman! Billionaire tech bro Doug Burgum nearly served as Trump’s running mate during his second bid for the presidency. As governor of North Dakota, he signed a slew of bills aimed at reducing the rights of trans people in his state, including sports bans on trans athletes and a ban on medical treatments for trans kids. Executive director at the Center for Biological Diversity Kierán Suckling called Burgum’s nomination “disastrous,” referring to him as an “oligarch” who would “sacrifice our public lands and endangered wildlife on the altar of the fossil fuel industry’s profits.”
John Sauer – Solicitor General
Bad faith arguments, Batman! While representing Trump in court, John Sauer said that the president should be able to kill political rivals as part of the job description. You know, like Hitler did. Considering that Trump wants “the kind of generals that Hitler had,” Sauer seems like his perfect Cabinet pick. This administration is irony incarnate.
Dr. Mehmet Oz – Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Administrator
Celebrity clinicians, Batman! Do you mean THAT Dr. Oz? Surely, SURELY, Donald Trump couldn’t be so senile. So naive. So laughably, terrifyingly sociopathic to nominate a TV doctor to serve in an actual position of medical authority? This choice is woefully, abysmally, pitifully tragic, and perhaps one most baffling on this list. Dr. Oz may have some sort of medical degree, but he’s spent far more time selling dubious weight loss drugs and phony supplements to viewers than practicing actual medicine.
Brendan Carr – FCC Chairman
Miserable media moguls, Batman! Brendan Carr is the man who wrote the chapter on FCC “reform” detailed in Project 2025, the conservative think-tank-sponsored proposition that seeks to consolidate power in the executive branch and bring America within spitting distance of a far-right-wing authoritarian theocracy. An hour after his nomination, he wrote that he planned to dismantle the “censorship cartel” created by the media. The first thing on the chopping block? DEI, the promotion of which Carr said his organization will end by next year.
Lee Zeldin – EPA Administrator
Withering wilderness, Batman! Lee Zeldin might be Trump’s pick as Environmental Protection Agency Administrator, but I’m not sure he’s been outside a day in his life! Zeldin’s past votes to cut EPA funding and eliminate its chemical risk assessment program have led The League of Conservation Voters to give Zeldin a lifetime score of 14 percent. Why did he get the job in the first place? Maybe because he appeared over 550 times in Congress to protest Trump’s impeachment, a move that led to many a future Trump endorsement. In Trump’s eyes, loyalty is the only qualification his cabinet members need.
Elise Stefanik – UN Ambassador
Holy Ironies, Batman! Elise Stefanik, Trump’s pick for the nation’s UN Ambassador, just so happens to be one of the international organization’s most vocal critics. After the UN likened Israel’s policy in Gaza to genocide, Stefanik accused the organization of being infected with “anti-semitic rot.” She’s since become one of Israel’s most staunch supporters, despite the death toll in Gaza climbing past 40,000, 70% of whom are women and children. She has also declined to stand by her previous support of Ukraine to join NATO, a move that could relieve the beleaguered nation from Russian invasion. While serving as a member of The House, Stefanik also voted against sending further aid to Ukraine, saying the funds were better spent at America’s southern border.
Howard Lutnick – Secretary of Commerce
Spiteful stockbrokers, Batman! Howard Lutnick was once called “The Most Hated Guy On Wallstreet” and now he’s gearing up to serve as the Secretary of Commerce to The Most Hated Guy In The Whitehouse! He’s expressed support for Trump’s lazily defined plan to impose tariffs on foreign producers (a move that actual economists have said would be a catastrophe) despite having admitted that he knows it’s a bad idea that will cause the suffering of everyday Americans. He’s also an Islamophobe, a vaccine conspiracy theorist à la RFK Jr., and has suggested that Trump’s critics be charged with treason.
Pete Hegseth – Defense Secretary
Holy personal hygiene, Batman! Trump’s picked Pete Hegseth to be his Defense Secretary, and he’s ready to wage war on wokeness! Hegseth is a critic of what he sees as “woke” policies in Pentagon leaders, leaders that he’s ready to fire once he’s installed in office. He’s also been a vocal opponent of women serving in combat, and once asked if an American general was awarded his position due to the color of his skin. Military leaders from across the nation are in uproar over his appointment, calling Trump’s decision “beyond stupid” and saying that Hegseth is profoundly unqualified for the job. If that wasn’t bad enough, Hesgseth also once joked that he hadn’t washed his hands in over 10 years.
Steven Cheung – White House Communications Director
Referred to by Trump as “my sumo wrestler,” Steven Cheung served as a spokesman for the Trump campaign in 2024. Serving as the mouthpiece of Trump has caused him to adopt the man’s rhetoric as well, and often refers to Trump critics as “cucks”. After Trump referred to his political enemies as “vermin” in spectacularly Hitlerian fashion, Cheung was quick to refer to anyone who took offense to the president’s fascist statements as “snowflakes” whose “entire existence” would be destroyed if Trump were to take office.
Michael Waltz – National Security Advisor
Trifling TikToks, Batman! Michael Waltz has been picked as Trump’s National Security Advisor, and guess what he thinks is the most dangerous threat facing the American military? DEI! Waltz has been a vocal critic of Pentagon policies around diversity, equity, and inclusion, saying that under such policies the Defense Department had “drastically shifted off course.” He bemoans the fact that the military has, in his eyes, shifted its focus to “preferred pronouns and eco-friendly tanks” over “lethality.” Who does he want to focus that lethality on? China. Waltz is one of the most hawkish legislators concerning China. Just wait ’til he finds out that Trump wants to reverse the TikTok ban.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. – Health and Human Services Secretary
Baffling brain worms, Batman! The man with an actual brainworm in his head who spouts “dangerous” and “cruel” conspiracy theories about vaccines is now one of America’s top public health officials? This is a whole new level of irony, and RFK Jr. is a whole new level of terrible. He wants to remove fluoride from drinking water. He once dumped a dead bear cub into Central Park. He once sawed off the head of a dead whale. He once said that he had “so many skeletons” in his closet, that he wished that they could vote. What does that mean, Kennedy?!
Tulsi Gabbard – Director of National Intelligence
Bare minimum brain cells, Batman! How can Tulsi Gabbard serve as the Director of National Intelligence when intelligence is the very thing she lacks? Gabbard has come under fire from intelligence operatives for passing on Russian propaganda, claiming that the U.S. government was funding biolabs in Ukraine. She’s never held a senior position in the intelligence world. I don’t think the words “intelligence” and “Tulsi Gabbard” have ever been used in the same sentence. Formerly a Democrat, she left the party due to concerns of “wokeness” to emerge as a Republican in 2024. In response to Gabbard’s appointment, former CIA case officer Abigail Spanberger wrote she was “appalled” by the decision on X, calling her an “ill-prepared and unqualified” conspiracy theorist who “cozies up to dictators like Bashar-al Assad and Vladimir Putin.”
Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy – Heads of Department of Government Efficiency
Hopeless hopes, Batman! Don’t Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy understand that the words “government” and “efficient” don’t go together in a sentence unless separated by “is not” or “will never be”? I guess they’ll learn the hard way! Considering tech billionaire Elon Musk is the legitimate embodiment of Lex Luthor, I’d say a lesson in hard knocks is exactly what this real-life comic book villain needs! Musk’s regrettable reputation precedes him. Even X’s own AI Chatbot Grok has turned on him, calling Musk one of the “most significant spreaders of misinformation” on the website. As for Ramaswamy … well, he’s just happy to be included in something. He hasn’t had a good week since 2023.
Tom Homan – “Border Czar”
Belligerent borders, Batman! The other degenerates on this list sure are bad, Batman, but Trump’s Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Tom Homan is barely Homan—I mean, human! He served during Trump’s last time in office and proved himself to The Big Orange with henchman-esque loyalty. Now Trump is giving Homan essentially the same position, but this time with a brand new supervillain title: Border Czar. Golly, I wish I was making this up. Homan’s first order of business? He’s going to spend his time trying to achieve Trump’s deportation dreams. His words for any sanctuary city officials attempting to stop him? “Get the hell out of our way.”
Kristi Noem – Homeland Security Secretary
Deceased dogs, Batman! Kristi Noem, the governor of South Dakota, first stepped into the cold light of political infamy after she refused to impose a mask mandate in her state during the COVID-19 pandemic. Her next scandal? She came under bipartisan fire after bragging that she shot a puppy. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. She killed her 14-month-old dog Cricket after deeming it “untrainable,” a fact she shared in her 2024 biography No Going Back. As it turns out, there are places in America that Kristi Noem is not allowed to go back to, namely certain tribal lands. She was banned from visiting the lands of all nine of South Dakota’s Native American populations after claiming drug cartels were operating on reservations.
Marco Rubio – Secretary of State
Harrowing human rights abuses, Batman! Marco Rubio? One of the few politicians to ever be awarded a 0 out of 100 on the Human Rights Campaign Congressional Scorecard for his anti-LGBTQ and anti-reproductive rights policies? He’s currently spending boatloads of money running anti-trans ads in his home state of Florida and called a bill that would protect marriage equality a “stupid waste of time.” He referred to gay adoption as a “social experiment” and has expressed support for Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay or Trans” law. He has also cosponsored legislation that limits reproductive rights and fought to overturn Roe v. Wade. He’s no comic book villain. He’s a legitimate real-life threat to human rights.
Mike Huckabee – U.S. Ambassador to Israel
Repugnant racism, Batman! Former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee is the man who once said “You know there really is no such thing as a Palestinian,” a statement as factually wrong as it is cartoonishly evil. During his failed presidential bid in 2008, the ex-pastor attempted to argue that the Palestinian identity was “a political tool to try and force land away from Israel.” He claims that Israel holds ownership over the West Bank, saying “The title deed was given by God to Abraham and to his heirs,” citing nothing but the Bible as his justification. In a recent podcast interview, he described himself as an “unapologetic, unreformed Zionist.” Israel’s war in Gaza has led to over 43,000 civilian deaths. Under Mike Huckabee’s bigoted leadership, things will not get better.
Matt Gaetz – Attorney General
F*CKING HELL, BATMAN. THE SEX TRAFFICKER?! THE MAN WHOSE CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION BY A HOUSE COMMITTEE FOR HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR? I must be under the influence of Scarecrow’s fear toxin because it sounds like I’m living in a nightmare. Aside from being one of the other members of Congress to get a 0 out of 100 from the Human Rights Campaign Congressional Scorecard, he may also be on track to become the second-highest-ranking sex offender in the nation! Who’s the first? Why, that honor belongs to Donald Trump himself.
Thankfully, though, this evil, at least, has been defeated. Gaetz announced he’d be withdrawing himself from consideration. A few too many controversies, perhaps?
Published: Nov 30, 2024 09:15 am