‘Tis the Season for Egregious Halloween Skeletons

My favorite time of year is fast approaching! Fall, Halloween Time, Apple Cider Season. If you ask me, the season starts September 1, but I can understand how the rest of the world isn’t quite ready. September’s arrival usually comes with your local big box store putting out the Halloween decor. Every year, the skeletons on display get more creative, or egregious, depending on who you ask.

I wonder who is sitting around in a board room with someone on the skeleton beat. “What skeletons are we putting out this year?” they ask, then brainstorm for hours over which ones will make the cut. A bird, a turtle, a dinosaur? Only they can know what anatomically baffling skeletons will make it off the cutting room floor.

Listen, I know these things are just for fun. They aren’t meant to be anatomically correct. These are decorations for your yard, not a diagram for a science class. Knowing this won’t stop me from compiling this list. I’m on a mission. I’ve got bones to pick.

Spiders

This might come as a surprise to you, but this is not what a spider’s body looks like on the inside. It’s cute for sure, but not accurate. For starters, spiders don’t have perfectly round skulls and only four eyes. Also, and I’m only speculating about this because I used to keep tarantulas, but I don’t think there are bones over the “abdomen” area—or anywhere at all, because spiders don’t have bones. They have exoskeletons, so we’re already seeing their skeletons on a regular basis.

Bats

This bat skeleton is not THAT bad, but I had to look it up. The rib cage is off for sure, as this one looks very close to a human’s. More importantly, whoever is designing these things loves to put big solid ear bones where there … are not big solid ear bones. The wings are very convincing, but I think the legs are pointed in the wrong direction. So, not horrible? 5/10.

Dogs

My first question is: What breed of hell hound is this? Again with the big solid bone ears! We also have another case of a weird rib cage. This can’t be a pug, and it isn’t a chihuahua. What is it?! Some sort of hybrid dog from hell? This is the scariest thing I’ll see all year.

Crabs

Much like spiders, crabs have exoskeletons, not the traditional internal skeletons of vertebrates, so this is just all wrong. If the point of Halloween skeletons is to show the inner workings of animals and humans, shouldn’t they make a crab that is soft, vulnerable underneath? Perhaps I’m overthinking things. I also love that the eyes themselves appear to be a part of this skeleton? Good stuff.

Turtles

What is even going on with this turtle? Okay, I give them an A for the shell, but everything else is a grave misstep. Also, the skull looks like it’s grimacing, probably because this is the most awkward representation of a skeleton that has ever been. The legs just coming out from the shell? Oh my god, what a nightmare.

Snails

Where do we even begin with this one? How the human skull on the back is just one of many very wrong aspects on this snail? The bones where there shouldn’t be bones at all? Someone really thought they were cooking with this one and I hate to break it to ya, but this is bad.

Just Wrong

I don’t know if you all know this, but pumpkins are naturally boneless.

(featured image: Sudowoodo/Getty Images)