Do you love Minecraft but hate its hard edges? Do you wish it was world of soft curves and not sharp angles? Do you think that maybe you could change a creeper’s explosive heart with the tenderness of a hug? With these Minecraft plushies, all of this can be yours.
Steve
You’ve always a got a soft little friend in Steve! He’ll always be there for you, resplendent in his diamond armor, diamond sword gleaming. There’s no need to have a nightlight in your room at dark. No need for redstone torches on the walls or a room with a locking door. Steve will keep the forces of darkness at bay. Do you know how many skeletons the man must have killed to GET that diamond armor. Too many. It’s almost criminal. Trust me, you’ll be fine in the dark.
Bee
Look at this adorable little Bee! And YOU get to be its honey! Its nectar is the nectar of your heart! It’s hive your heart’s four chambers! It’s honeycombs your aortic valve or whatever hearts have! It’s a totally adorable little plushie that will never, ever sting you no matter how hard you squeeze it. That’s good, because if it did, it would die. And you don’t want your actions to end up killing the one you love, do you? That’s some Romeo and Juliet biz that no one has time for. This bee will save you from trying to cuddle the fuzzy real thing.
Sea Turtle
Sea turtles are fragile beasts. Sure, they can eat jellyfish raw. But they also get their heads stuck in those plastic soda bottle rings! Or they just eat trash and die! Who do they think they are, opossums? This Sea Turtle will never be at risk for eating deadly ocean trash, because his widdle mouth is stitched shut! You don’t have to worry about him munching the plastic chip bags you leave in your bed while you’re gone. The only thing he hungers for is your love, and you’re just the person to give it to him.
Ender Dragon
If a Creeper’s heart can be changed by love, then why not an even more powerful beast? Why not the most powerful beast in all of Minecraft? The Ender Dragon. Hailing from the far flung dimension of The End, this Minecraft monster crossed through spacetime itself for your love. Will you not reward its efforts with a lil’ pat on the head? If only Minecraft had taken a page out of Undertale‘s book and let you BEFRIEND the creatures of the wild plotting your demise. Imagine, pizza nights with the zombie pigmen. Golfing with the Ghasts. Ending the day with the Ender Dragon for cuddles. What a life.
Creeper
The Creeper. The most feared enemy of Minecraft. Silent. Deadly. Devious. Like a fart in a dark cave. And just as explosive. But what if Creepers aren’t exploding out of malevolence. What if they’re just lonely? What if they’re so lonely down in the dark depths that they get so excited, so full of unbridled joy when they see you that they literally explode with love? A tragic, beautiful thought. Thankfully, this little plush Creeper will never explode. The only thing that’s gonna blow up is your heart, with affection.
Untamed Wolf
The Untamed Wolf. Proud beast of the forest. Are not all good things wild and free? Perhaps, but perhaps things are even better when tamed and shut away in your bedroom. Turn this untamed wolf into your lil pet! A house puppy that will love you with dogged determination. Maybe you already adopted a digital wolf in Minecraft but wish you could pet it with your real hands. This wolf plushie will let you do so. Or at least imagine.
Enderman
Enderman get a bad rap. They’re literally just little guys. Walking around. Picking things up and putting them down. Freaking out when people look at the them. Don’t we ALL do these things from time to time? Maybe it’s time to extend the olive branch to Minecraft‘s creepiest of creatures and show them a little love. Maybe they rush at you making those weird, horrifying sounds and beat you to death because they’re just trying to hug you but don’t know their own strength. Maybe it’s a Lenny from The Grapes of Wrath situation. What would John Steinbeck say?
Baby Pig
Everyone wants a Baby Pig. Little pint sized porkers are all over the internet! The problem is, real life baby pigs don’t stay mini forever. They get MASSIVE. And they will destroy your house. This pig? Couldn’t hurt a fly, much less your linoleum floors. This little fella will stay soft and small forever. Small enough to put him in the pocket of your hoodie and walk around with him! When people ask you about the lump in your pocket, tell them you’re just really happy to see them. You’re not. You’re happy about your baby pig, and your baby pig alone.
Tuxedo Cat
A kitty! A bonafide Minecraft kitty! The only species on planet Earth (and in Minecraft world) that domesticated itself. What do cats do? Catch rodents I guess? Eh. Not really. They just add to the good vibes of a house. Want a lil cat of your own but don’t want to deal with all of the litter and scratching and feeding or whatever, this Tuxedo Cat will do what real cats never will: what you ask of it.
Baby Mooshroom
Oh my Notch! Look at this ADORABLE Baby Mooshroom! It’s part fungus and part heifer! And it’s ALL YOURS! How does it work? Does its milk taste like cream of mushroom soup? It is gonna all The Last of Us and take over your brain with spores? What does it matter, this baby mushroom has already hijacked my HEART with love. Like the baby big before it, this sweet mini farm animal will never grow to massively unmanageable sizes like its real life counterpart! But wait, just how big do mooshrooms get? What if there aren’t multiple mushrooms but every mooshroom is actually the same mushroom? Just a part of a single mooshroom colony organism? Minecraft, we need answers.
Warden
So you’ve managed to subdue Creepers, Endermen, and even the implacable Ender Dragon with your love. But what about the fearsome Warden, the most powerful non-boss mob in the game? He appears only in the darkest of subterranean depths. This chthonic guardian is merciless. Cruel. Unforgiving. Maybe he hasn’t met the right person. Maybe he’s been hurt too many times. People don’t see him as a valuable being with a job to do, just an obstacle in the way of the self pursuit of treasure. You’re not like that. You can prove it to him.
Wither
The Wither. The boss of The Nether. The Hell dimension. Can you convince each of this monstrosity’s three separate minds that love, not fireballs, is the answer? I think you can. Nothing, and I mean nothing is beyond the reach of love. Love conquers all, baby, including inter-dimensional demons. This mean ol’ Wither will soon be putty in your hands with just one hug. The only fireball he’ll shoot will be the one that is now warming his heart, and being fired lovingly into yours. After all, love is a give and take. And you and Wither have a lot to give.
Ghast
Why does this Ghast look so sad? I have an answer: skin hunger. It’s a real medical term to describe the skin deep ache that prolonged periods without physical touch creates, not some sort of descriptor for this thing’s possible flesh eating nature. Despite not having any skin to begin with, this poor Ghost could definitely use a little physical love. The Nether seems like a pretty rough place to live. All rocks and lava and monsters. Few come in, and even fewer leave. Make this Ghast one of the lucky ones to get out, and it will love you forever.
Squid
Look at this goofy little Squid! His funny looking eyes, his many tentacles that he will no doubt wrap around you in a loving embrace. His bounty is as boundless as the sea, his love as deep. The more he gives to thee, the more he has, for both are infinite. At least, that’s what he would say if he could talk with his little beak mouth. But he can’t, so he’ll just have to use his eyes. Gaze into them. Trust me, that’s what he means. Even if they are both pointing in two different directions. He contains multitudes.
Zombie
The Zombie. Scourge of the night. Bane of every new Minecraft players’ existence. Here his “OH!” and tremble. Tremble with affection, that is. This zombie doesn’t want to hurt you, he wants to be your friend. Sure he’s a reanimated corpse. But he’s really soft and cute! And best of all, he’s made of fabric and not rotting flesh, so he isn’t gonna smell! Unless you leave him in the washing machine and forget to put him in the dryer. Then he’ll get a little musty. But hey, when your cuddle bud is non-living, that’s all part of the package.
Published: Jun 21, 2024 02:00 pm