Tucker Carlson Says Ron DeSantis Didn’t Kick His Dog

Well, it seems Meatball Ron has finally done it. If you don’t follow the comings and goings of possibly the worst resident of Florida, you may not be aware that a new book from Michael Wolff, titled The Fall: The End of Fox News and the Murdoch Dynasty, alleges that Ron DeSantis kicked Tucker Carlson’s dog earlier this year in Carlson’s home. Ruh-roh! Per Insider:

According to the excerpt, Ron and Casey DeSantis had lunch at Carlson’s home in Boca Grande, Florida, where the couple exhibited a “total inability to read the room” as DeSantis listed off “an unself-conscious list of his programs and initiatives and political accomplishments.”

Most strikingly, though, was the claim that at one point during the lunch — where Carlson’s wife, Susie, was purportedly present — DeSantis pushed, and possibly kicked the Carlson family’s dog under the table.

This is not great, Ron! America can tolerate you being a racist POS who terrorizes trans children and probably smiled while witnessing actual Geneva Convention violations, but it simply cannot stomach cruelty to animals (that we don’t keep in cages to eventually eat). That, sir, is where we as a society apparently draw the line. Well, white people, at least, as this classic Community quote demonstrates:

It appears the book goes out of its way to paint the Carlsons as pro-dog people, as if that somehow makes them better and negates Tucker Carlson’s rampant misogyny, racism, and all other terrible aspects of his personality. Per the above source:

“The Carlsons are dog people with four spaniels, the progeny of other spaniels they have had before, who sleep in their bed,” reads the excerpt. “DeSantis pushed the dog under the table. Had he kicked the dog?”

The book also claims that Carlson came away from the meeting believing that DeSantis was a “fascist.”

Oh, well, if the dogs sleep in his bed, I guess he’s not a bad person?! (This is not how morality works, in case you were wondering. Everyone knows it’s cats that can scare off ghosts and determine if you’re a good person, not dogs. Duh.)

Although Ron DeSantis may be a fascist (allegedly) in Tucker Carlson’s eyes, according to this book excerpt, he wants the world to know he’s not a dog kicker, and Tucker Carlson has had to come out in support of DeSantis in that regard. Per Insider:

“This is absurd,” the former Fox News host wrote in a text to Insider. “He never touched my dog, obviously.”

[…]

Asked about the claims, DeSantis campaign spokesman Andrew Romeo also issued a strong denial.

“The totality of that story is absurd and false,” Romeo said in a statement to Insider. “Some will say or write anything to attack Ron DeSantis because they know he presents a threat to their worldview.”

OK, I don’t know about you, but nothing about Ron DeSantis is a threat to my worldview. What does that even mean? Did they pull that statement out of a conservative Mad Libs book?

The article also points out that the author’s previous work had “factual errors,” and, well … duh. Writing books for angry middle-class white liberals to read and get angrier over is a very lucrative industry. Just look at the Lincoln Project! Everyone who tries to make a buck from that should be taken with a massive grain of salt.

Regardless, just like there was a rumor that DeSantis ate pudding with his fingers, forcing him to issue a statement to declare that he eats pudding like an American patriot (with hate in his heart and a utensil in his hand, I suppose), I am choosing to believe this allegation is real as well, despite its dubious sourcing. If only because I don’t like him. He’s a bad person with a selfish heart, so why not believe an anecdote that absolutely fits into how I view DeSantis? Hey, he just—governs? leads? rules?—Florida on his own bad vibes, so he deserves the same courtesy in return.

So, if you see ol’ Meatball Ron out and about, you might want to hide your pudding and your pets from him. You never know how he’ll react, and it’s best to keep your pudding fingers-free and your pet out of the kicking zone when Ron DeSantis comes to town.

(featured image: Scott Olson, Getty Images / Warner Bros.)