Um, When Did Everyone Get Very Horny Over Jack Box?

Look, I get it. It’s been a long winter. I live in Chicago. January was grey, with basically no sunshine. February can’t make up its mind. It snows. It rains. I miss the sun. I can’t remember what fresh fruit tastes like. I’m sick of winter vegetables. I’m stuck inside. The days are short; the nights are long. I’ve been spending too much time on the internet. I did a whole rewatch of True Blood because it was my trashy, fun horny show.

Maybe instead of that, you’ve been spending too much time on TikTok. It starts out by watching old commercials with funny commentary, and all of a sudden, the Jack in the Box fast food mascot Jack Box suddenly looks … alright? I get it. He’s better looking than the creepy ‘Burger King’ King and his clown makeup is less creepy than Ronald McDonald’s, and before you know it, you’re in deep.

Far be it from me to judge—I mean, I just did in the above paragraph, and as stated, Jack comes out ahead from the other chain mascots. I did a skim of the comments in the above video, and it appears to have been posted in early November, only adding to my working theory that people are getting horny for Jack Box because it’s been a long winter.

Here’s another fan video; see if you can resist the charms of Jack. It’s not quiet March, after all:

Honestly, I’m just impressed at the skill with which they drew Jack. (Probably not the best place to point this out, but if you’ve never had the tacos from Jack in the Box, you’re really missing out.)

This is just a whole compilation of someone’s favorite Jack moments. So many comments, all in winter months:

Look, this one’s just straight-up horny.

The more I watch these, the less I get it, and so many comments horny for Jack. They really just make me want Jack in the Box tacos, but (un)fun fact: There are no Jack in the Boxes in Chicago. We’re a food city! Sometimes we want fast food! Booo!

Finally, this is the longer commercial from the clip excerpted above. It’s just violent. Is this the mascot you really want to be horny for, America? Do we not have better options?!

If this got you all hot and bothered for Jack, you can see a Tumblr devoted to him a Tumblr devoted to him here. However, I think we all can do better. I’m going to revise what I said earlier: He’s better by comparison, but really, Jack is, by all methods of presentation, like, a generic, basic guy? He’s nothing special? (Unlike the tacos. Seriously, they’re so good.)

If you’re going to get weird over a mascot, then let’s get weird over a mascot. I propose this could be an opportunity to bring back the Noid from Dominos. It’s time:

TikTok, you’re not ready for what the Noid has cooking; I guarantee you that. Just save it for next winter; it will undoubtedly be as long (and lonely, if you catch my drift) as this one.

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