Welp, There’s a Cat Food Themed Restaurant Now, Time to Launch Myself into the Sun

The way my cats attack their food bowls at dinnertime, gulping down that foul glop so hard that bits of it go flying across the room, you’d think they were dining on the finest ambrosia. My relationship with food is complicated enough that I often envy them, wishing there was some substance I loved enough to feverishly stuff in my mouth with total abandon. Maybe I should go eat at Fancy Feast’s new pop-up restaurant in New York City, Gatto Bianco!

They serve cat food for people!

According to Fancy Feast’s press release, “Gatto Bianco will bring the mealtime experience of cats to life for cat owners and cat lovers and includes a special appearance by the iconic Fancy Feast cat herself. The dishes (for humans!) take inspiration from Fancy Feast Medleys recipes and pay homage to traditional Italian cuisine, with a menu developed by Fancy Feast’s in-house chef, Amanda Hassner, along with Michelin Star winning Italian chef and acclaimed New York restaurateur Cesare Casella.”

Fancy Feast Medleys is a new line of cat food that’s based on people food, designed to fuel your utter delusion that your cat is a little human. So instead of names like “Tuna Barf” or “Organ Slurry” like the crap you might get at CVS, the Medleys cans are called “White Meat Chicken Primavera” and “Beef Ragu with Tomatoes & Pasta in a Savory Sauce.” Will your cats eat it? Definitely. Will they enjoy it more than Organ Slurry? I honestly can’t say. The other day I had to forcibly stop my cat from noshing on the polyester filling from a toy she tore open.

I’m still struggling to understand this myself, so bear with me, but what I’m pretty sure is going on with the restaurant is that Gatto Bianco will serve human food based on cat food based on human food, so that you can pretend you’re a cat before you go home and pretend that your cat is a human. I think? Basically the restaurant is promoting the new cat food line, partly through people who actually go eat there, and partly through chumps like me who can’t stop ourselves from spreading the word by publicly scratching our heads over it.

I mean, okay, it’s all pretty harmless, right? It’s an Italian restaurant. And you get to eat food made by a Michelin Star winning chef while looking at a pretty cat! If you eat at this restaurant and then buy the noodles for your lil’ goblin, I won’t judge you.

It’s just another day for pet owners in the topsy-turvy world of late stage Capitalism, after all.

(image: Toei Animation)