Screw Journalism! This Site Will Pay Me To Be a ‘Valorant’ Egirl.

I’ve been a professional writer for a little over a decade now, ever since I landed a gig writing about video games at my college. Since then, the achievements have piled up. I’ve been on podcasts. I’m cited across Wikipedia. I published a book about Tumblr. And yes, I even got to write about taking a sh*t on the floor in Hogwarts Legacy.

But despite all of those milestones, some questions keep me up at night, like, “Should I have become a professional Valorant egirl instead?” For you see, one service tailored to the edater market made me realize that I could be making some real money playing Valorant with lonely gamer boys. Unfortunately, this knowledge has sent me into an existential crisis about my career, one that no amount of podcasts, Wikipedia citations, or J.K. Rowling bashing can solve.

What is this “E-Pal” thing?

I first came across E-Pal after one of my higher ranked Valorant friends sent it my way, and the concept has lived rent free in my head ever since. E-Pal advertises itself as a way to “team up, make friends, and have fun” with some fellow gamers. Players can spend “buffs,” or tokens, to play with their very own ePal. Competitive multiplayer games like Valorant, which I play near-obsessively, are extremely popular on the service. You can pay to hang and play with folks, get a little boost to your in-game rank by getting carried in the competitive mode, or even receive coaching to become a better player. But the most common experience, and the one that’s front and center across E-Pal’s website, is the ability to pay an attractive player (usually a female player) to game with you.

I’m not going to lie, as an on-again, off-again sex worker, I think the E-Pal concept kinda rules. Its most popular iteration is just the girlfriend experience (or when a client pays to go on a date with someone) brought to gaming. Which is a completely natural fit. Multiplayer gaming is an incredibly social experience, and plenty of people meet partners through the competitive gaming community, if not via the in-game matchmaking system. In fact, Valorant is infamous for its edater scene, where the high-intensity, frag-focused Agent Jett is commonly chosen by a “high rank flashy player, and the (likely lower rank) pocket Sage follows them around holding out a heal, ready to repair every tick of damage or resurrect their duo at a moment’s notice,” according to esports caster tala yin zhang. E-Pal just speeds up the edater process up by providing a readily available gamer girl for heals and encouragement.

Of course, you can always reverse expectations by getting carried by your ePal. Which sounds like just as much fun to me. After all, I’m a pretty good Jett.

“Gimmie your best meow for those sweet heals”

For sex workers and players with decent social skills that need some extra cash, the whole experience sounds like a good opportunity. And for lonely gamers across genders, spending some money on an E-Pal is honestly a pretty cheap way to hang with girls, guys, and nonbinary pals who love the same game as you. It commonly costs anywhere from five to 10+ dollars to play with an ePal per Valorant match, with casual modes cheaper, and more competitive modes pricier. Five bucks to play a 45 minute match of Valorant is a bit of a steal, so yeah, why not?

To be clear, E-Pal doesn’t exist just for booking an in-game girlfriend experience. But it’s not not built to do that: Its TikTok is filled with tons and tons of flirtatious edating gamer moments. I’m reminded of one TikTok where Sage offers to be a “cat girl,” “country girl,” or “Mommy,” demanding the male player to “gimme your best meow for those sweet heals.” So yeah, E-Pal knows exactly what it’s doing, and I’m right to say it.

Now, as for whether I should sign up for E-Pal to carry some lonely gamer boys? Decisions, decisions.

(featured image: Riot Games)