You have to love an episode named after famous Canadian k.d. lang’s song of love and longing, “Constant Craving.” Lang is from Alberta, which is also where Wynonna Earp is filmed. (Speaking of Alberta, lets send some collective good vibes to the people of Ft. McMurray, who are experiencing a forest fire of catastrophic proportions.)
Dolls is attempting to teach Wynonna how to fight like a special ops agent, but when you live on donuts, whiskey and bad choices, there’s a bit of a learning curve. Good thing Wynonna received a bit in the way of special talents when she became the Heir. She finally bests Dolls, and he’s impressed with her new, more limber movements. She claims yoga, but we all know it was a little horizontal mamboing with Doc. They turn their focus to the last two remaining Revenants who killed Wynonna’s father. They both have bandanas on their faces, so it makes it extra hard to figure out their identities, so Wynonna heads off to see Waverly. As she leaves, we notice that Dolls isn’t feeling so hot. His hand is shaking something fierce.
Just when you thought it was safe to smoke a joint on an abandoned road in the middle of nowhere, a young stoner meets an unfortunate fate at the hands of some mysterious force. Who could this new and terrifying evil be? And what do they have against hipster beanies?
Doc confronts BoBo about Connie Clootie and BoBo’s shitty intel. He gave Doc some outdated address, and Doc is steaming mad. Obvs, BoBo is protecting the Stone Witch, and this isn’t Doc’s first rodeo. Doc tells BoBo he’s done working with him, and he’s got a new set of partners to help him in his quest. Threats are exchanged, but each man walks away unharmed, and Doc leaves BoBo to keep digging for something he desperately needs.
At the local diner, the Earp sister are sharing fries and dick pics. Well, the dick pic was accidental. Oh Champ, you rapscallion. Wynonna can’t believe that Waverly is wasting her time with Champ when she deserves someone way better (and Haughter). They start talking about the ol’ s.e.x. but are interrupted by their waitress Hetty, who wonders where Waverly has been lately. Naturally, Hetty can’t stand Wynonna, and heads off to deliver some food for her demanding mama who runs the diner. The sisters pour over the infamous picture and discover that one of the Revs has a cattle brand on their neck. Waverly tells Wynonna that their uncle would have gone to see The Blacksmith.
Wynonna and Dolls suit up to head out to see The Blacksmith. After Wynonna steps on a landmine trigger, we meet the infamous Blacksmith. She’s a stone fox with an attitude and a hot poker, which is just my kind of lady. She gives Wynonna and Dolls the third degree before letting them know the landmine isn’t active and they can come on in.
The Blacksmith is able to match the Rev’s brand with one from the late 1800s—The Tate Family. She also senses that Dolls is in pain, though he refuses to admit it. “There’s a battle, deep inside. Your soul is being torn. You must protect it.” So Dolls has more on his plate than a reluctant hero and a bunch of demon cowboys.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I’ve always wanted to say that and mean it), Waverly and Champ are unpacking a bunch of items that Uncle Curtis had been collecting over the years. Champ can’t get over the fact that his girlfriend is both smart and pretty, because he only watches Spike TV and has probably lost brain cells due to pomade fume exposure. Waverly doesn’t really appreciate what he thinks is a compliment, but Champ is only really concerned with going to town…if you know what I mean. I mean sex. She notices an envelope addressed to her in the belongings. It’s a poem, which can only mean a puzzle! Anyhoo, Wynonna shows up to bring some sass to the party, and get some info from Waverly about the Tate Family. Over the years they became a legit business and changed their name to Tatenhill, that produces grass-fed beef. That’s super helpful, but who cares when Champ unveils a motorcycle and Wynonna loses her shit. Curtiss left the Screaming Eagle to her in his will, and she’s pretty geeked.
Doc stops by to have a chat with Wynonna, so they go off somewhere private. Instead of asking her to get together again, Doc asks her for her help in setting up a meeting with Dolls.
Speaking of Dolls, he’s on the phone with a superior, and looking pretty desperate. He needs a new supply of something (medicine? Demon juice? Botox?) but his bosses aren’t budging. He’s interrupted by Wynonna and Doc, and he’s less than thrilled to talk with the century old cowboy. Doc wants Dolls’ help to find Constance Clootie and he’s willing to find evidence on BoBo in exchange.
Wynonna and Dolls head to the Tatenhills Farm, and Dolls is clear that the next Revenant must be taken in alive. Their mission is in jeopardy and without some concrete evidence, they might be up Shitz Creek. (Also in Canada.) Dolls is sweaty and coughing and not in the mood for Wynonna’s quippy comebacks. There’s not much time to argue though because they spy a Revenant and take chase. The Rev, Herman, makes the mistake of talking smack about the Earps and Wynonna sends him back to hell, much to Dolls’ dismay. In the grass, they find a dismembered hand and hear a wailing scream coming from close by. Before he met his end, the Rev mentioned an “us” which means there are more baddies close by. Inside the farm house, Wynonna finds a scrap book full of clippings about missing persons in and near Purgatory.
Good to his word, Doc goes undercover as one of BoBo’s workers to find evidence on BoBo and Constance Clootie. He breaks into a shed and finds the bones that Constance was cuddling with in a previous episode. Bethany, who he had hooked up with previously, follows him. She’s all flirty, but Doc wants info. Turns out, BoBo has been looking for the pieces of these skeletons for years. Their bones have been spread all around Purgatory, and BoBo’s been following orders from Constance to find them. She tries to protect Doc by warning him that BoBo will kill him if he found out he was messing with the bones, but for her courtesy, Doc threatens her with a gun. Nice Doc, nice. She flips him off and leaves him to deal with this discovery. A few minutes later, she’s picked up on the side of the road by a mysterious van and very possibly meets an unfortunate end.
While Wynonna tries to piece together the missing persons in the scrapbook, Dolls checks out a sample from the arm. There are bite marks on the arm, which points to cannibalism. The surprise twist? The mouth is most likely female. Yes, that’s right folks. We have some lady Revs.
At Shorty’s, Waverly sets out to solve Curtiss’ riddle, which she totally does because she’s amazing. Inside a hidden box is a skull with a note addressed to Waverly. As Champ blathers on about buying a bar in Buenos Aries, Waverly realizes she’s been chosen as the Keeper of the Bones. Curtiss’ note tells her to tell no one but The Blacksmith. When Champ makes a boner joke, Waverly reaches her limit. She dumps him then and there, and heads to see The Blacksmith.
After trudging through the snow at the Tatenhill’s Farm, Dolls and Wynonna find a door in the ground leading to a bunker. After investigating the joint, which is pretty cozy for a place surrounded by body , Wynonna realizes that this is where Hetty’s mama’s picture on the diner wall came from. (One that Wynonna defaced back in the day.) They assume she’s being held against her will, and when Wynonna peeks back out the door, she finds a woman watching them. She takes off and Wynonna follows her, and when she pulls off the mask, realizes that it’s Hetty from the diner. Herman, was her brother. Hetty swears she had nothing to do with all of this, and it’s Mama who is the cannibal. And boy, is she hungry. Wait, Dolls is still in that bunker! Wynonna and Hetty head back there, but the door is locked.
When Waverly gets to The Blacksmith shop, she’s reluctantly invited in and put through the Keep of the Bones ritual. It’s revealed that the skull belongs to one of The Stone Witch’s sons. The Blacksmith freaks out at this revelation, knowing that the Witch will be coming after her and Waverly now.
Dolls passes out but when he comes to, he’s face to face with Mama. At the same time, Wynonna leads Hetty into the house to try and find the key to unlock the door. Hetty explains that back in the day, their family had a hotel and when a terrible blizzard came through, and all the animals and food were gone, they took to eating the guests. When Wyatt Earp came to town to investigate some missing persons, the gig was up. Hetty’s brother fought against Wyatt, and Hetty got shot too, and now she’s a Rev. In the bunker, Mama explains that she dressed Hetty as a man in order to make life easier for them. She and he brother looked like twins. She even has the same tattoo. Mama’s had enough chit chat, so she takes a big bite out of Dolls. Fortunately for Dolls, he isn’t very edible. “Spoiled,” Mama declares, just as Wynonna gets the bunker door open.
Wynonna handcuffs Hetty to the bunker door, and hops down like a boss to take care of Mama first. Before Wynonna shoots, Mama tells her that it was Hetty who wanted to kill Wynonna’s father. Just then, Hetty takes off with the damn bunker door. She’s not too hard to track down though, dragging a heavy door and all. When Wynonna confronts her about what Mama said, Hetty admits that killing Wynonna’s dad was the only way to stop Mama’s ravenous murder spree. Wynonna tells Hetty to make her peace, then sends her back to hell.
Later that night, Dolls takes a jog through the park to meet up with a rather squirrely individual. The guy hands him a case of something, tells him to get back in good standing with the powers that be, and never contact him again. By the time he gets back to the precinct, he’s damn near about to pass out. Doc is waiting to inform him that he wasn’t able to get info on BoBo. As soon as he sees Dolls, he knows he suffering from some sort of withdrawal. They also do a little dancing around the fact that they are both close to Wynonna. Doc says competition, Dolls says enemies. Both?
Doc finds Wynonna cleaning up the motorcycle, and getting it ready for the spring. Wynonna’s had some time to think, and she wants a chance at happiness one of these days. For now, a romance with Doc isn’t in the cards, so she asks if they can stay friends for the time being.
When Dolls is finally alone, he loads up his syringe gun and pumps himself full of some blue fluid. It instantly settles him but then something very odd begins to happen. His eyes turn from human, so something reptilian. Holy hell. Dolls, buddy, what gives?
Dana Piccoli is a pop culture critic and entertainment writer who recently relocated from New York to Greenville, SC. She’s a current writer and former Staff Editor of AfterEllen and covers The 100 for Alloy Entertainment. She’s also written for Curve Magazine, Go Magazine, PopWrapped, and Gaygamer.net. She’s currently writing a lesbian romance novel she’s hoping you will read one day soon. You can follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.
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Published: May 12, 2016 02:47 pm