Game of Thrones Veteran Recap: Baelor

Welcome to our Game of Thrones recap where we assume you’ve read the books. Spoilers abound.

In which EVERYTHING HURTS AND NOTHING IS GOOD. *sob*

• Guys, I don’t know how much snark I can muster. My chest already hurts and the credits haven’t even finished rolling. I can’t even get that angry about the Twins…oh God, why do we have to live through this again?!
• Varys returns to the dungeons and I just realized the pitch blackness Ned has been living in, we assume for months based on the Dany’s pregnant belly later in the episode. What a horrible thing. And now Varys is here to remind him that’s he going to die and try and convince the Most Honorable Man In The World (how is this not a meme) to lie to save his daughters. You know Varys, I still think you’re a good guy. I believe in you…just, not right now.
• Robb Stark has reached the most terrifying place in all the world. The home of Walder Frey. I will say the Twins look wonderful. Almost enough for me to forgive the set designers of Not-The-Eyrie. Old man Frey is not quite as debauched and disgusting as I was led to believe. Sure, he’s groping that poor 15 year old Lady Frey and making unseemly comments at Cat but he’s also pretty decent looking and making a lot of valid points about the crown and the Tullys and STOP MAKING SENSE WALDER FREY. JUST LET ME HATE YOU.
• As a reward for killing zombies White Walkers, Mormont gives Jon the family sword. Somewhere in a Dothraki camp, Ser Jorah just heard the sound of his inheritance shattering.
• Catelyn proves that what you can’t solve with the sword you can solve with sex…or the promise of sex and lots of weak-chinned grandchildren. I don’t know why Theon is laughing…at least Robb isn’t going to accidentally grope his sister any time in the near future.
• Just a note, at this point I still feel like I might be physically ill. The lead up to the Sept of Baelor is killing me.
• Jon is having a pretty standard teen moment here. NO ONE UNDERSTAAAAANDS ME. MY LIFE IS THE MOST AWFUL THING THAT EVER AWFULLED! And then Aemon Targaryen makes him feel like a piece of shit by pointing out that everyone has problems and his whole family was raped and murdered, so seriously kid, STFU.
• Oh dear, Drogo does not look good. At all. But at least Dany finally looks pregnant. And the dissension among the Khal’s Blood Riders is becoming more apparent. Basically the Dothraki equivalent of “Get in the kitchen,” as Dany realizes just how tenuous her power over these people is. No Stockholm Syndrome husband? No safety.
• My one moment of actually laughing out loud just happened. Tyrion is convinced Tywin is sending him to his death. “Surely there are ways to have me killed that are not detrimental to the war effort!” Seriously, the Emmys better shower this man in awards.
• Oh thank the Seven. Ros (who appears to have disappeared) was not to be a Shae stand-in. Anyone else feel that Shae is waaaaay different than the mental picture when reading? Not bad…just…different.
• So yeah, the Khal isn’t looking too hot. Turns out that wound is totally festering and it strikes me as slightly strange that HBO doesn’t point out that it’s his own fault. If he had left he Maegi’s poultice on and not ripped it off, he’d probably not be having buckets of horse blood poured all over him. Also, if Jorah had a lick of sense, he’d knock Dany out and drag her naive ass to Asshai but you know what they say, if wishes were fishes…or dragons…or something.
• Anyone else catch when Dany asks if it’s her life that must be sacrificed, the witch looks right at her pregnant belly and says, “No…not yours Khaleesi.” Brilliant!
• Bronn and Shae get expanded back stories. Kind of. Huzzah. Nothing about Bronn isn’t wonderful. I love this roguish man. Little surprised we get Version A of Tysha’s story this early on. Even more surprised that they cut out the part where after the guards had their turn, Tywin gives Tyrion a gold crown because “a Lannister is worth more” and then has his son take a turn with her…because that would make it all the more horrible later. And as it turns out, Shae is more devious than I imagined, which makes her future choices less out of character…bitch.
• Wait…wut? Tyrion gets knocked out before the battle even starts!?!? SCREW YOU HBO FOR TAKING TYRION’S TRIUMPH FROM HIM! How else is he going to know he has the courage to defend the Red Keep later on? #nerdrageashotasthefireofathousandsuns
• FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU we don’t get Robb’s brilliant ambush either?! THIS. IS. A. TRAVESTY.
• Sure Catelyn’s face when she sees Robb isn’t dead is a superb bit of acting but couldn’t we have replaced Bronnmance and Shae with a quick cut montage of these two fights? Tysha’s story is evergreen and could be told later. These first skirmishes of war were key to showing the mindset/strategy of each side and OH MY GOD WHY? I wanted to see an ambush. /sulk
• However, Robb’s uplifting rallying realistic speech is pretty good. And Hhhhhhnnnnngggghhhh Jaime Lannister covered in blood. #don’tjudgeme
• Oh I see how it is HBO. You can fill the Sept of Baelor to break my heart but you couldn’t put these extras on horses and do close cut edits to make it LOOK like a big battle. No, no. It’s cool.
• Oh no, they’re bringing Ned out and Arya is on the statue (why isn’t anyone else on it?) and he sees her and Yoren is going to be a hero and Sansa has that stupid smile on her face like everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns and now Ned is lying because she’s nodding like she should be trusted SHE’S THIRTEEN and now Pycelle is speaking and why is he talking he is a maester, not the High Priest. Get down from there Pycelle. And now Joffrey is making me want to claw his eyes out and Arya should’ve slit him from groin to heart but then she’d be dead too and Sansa is screaming and Varys and Cersei look so shocked that I didn’t even get a look at Pedofinger’s face and now it’s over and they didn’t even point out the irony that Ned was killed with Ice, the Great Sword of his own House.
• I am dead inside. G.R.R. Martin is truly the Joss Whedon of fantasy fiction. Like a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.

Donna Dickens is an associate editor for Buzzfeed and an avid Song of Ice and Fire fan. Sheʼs trying really hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.